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Behind the suckage: Craig Kilborn Paul Ryan Craig Kilborn recently quit his talk show, "The Late Show with Craig Kilborn". Unfortunately for him, nobody really cares that he left, because watching his "comedy" was about as painful as watching your own mother unknowingly drink urine. But since Daily Ramblings is low on the totem pole of "quality news sources", we're dedicating an entire column to coverage of this Craig Kilborn news item. Since we're the only "news" service interested in this story, we got the latest scoop. An anonymous caller who witnessed the last meeting between Kilborn and his boss described it to us, and the following is a transcript we compiled based on that information.
Kilborn: That's Craig. CBS: Sure thing! What can I do for you? Would you like some hard candy? Kilborn: I wanted to . . . hard candy? CBS: I like to put one in my mouth while I'm drinking coffee. It gives normal coffee a taste of peppermint. Fan-tastic! Kilborn: Okay . . . CBS: Have you ever tried that, Greg? I'm Scandinavian! That's what we do! Kilborn: Actually, my name is Cr . . . CBS: SCANDINAVIAN! Kilborn: Look, can we just . . . CBS: FAN-TASTIC! Kilborn: Can we talk about my contract renewal for a minute? CBS: Sure thing, pal. Have you signed it yet? Kilborn: Well, I was kind of wondering why you offered it to me in the first place. CBS: You don't like it? Kilborn: No, I love it. It's a great contract, but do you really think I deserve it? CBS: Of course you do. We love you, Greg! You're our favorite performer. Kilborn: No, I'm not. I suck. I mean, have you ever watched my show before? It's terrible! Everything that worked when I was on "The Daily Show" suddenly sucks. Five questions, headlines, a moment for us. It all instantly turned to crap on my own show. People haven't fallen asleep this fast since Tom Snyder interviewed himself. CBS: Sigh. Okay, look. I'll be honest here. The other executives and I . . . we really don't watch CBS that often. In fact, we don't watch it at all. I mean honestly, primetime is just eight different versions of CSI, and we're too old to stay up late and watch you. So we're not really sure if you're any good or not. Kilborn: But don't you want higher ratings? CBS: Greg . . . Kilborn: CRAIG. CBS: Whatever. Look Chuckles, you know how poorly CBS has done in the ratings this year, right? Kilborn: Yeah. We got spanked like little bitches. CBS: Right. Well, this was my salary from last year.
Kilborn: That's a lot of money. CBS: You got it, Spanky. I get paid a ridiculous amount of money whether I do my job or not. So do I have any incentive to do my job well? Hell no. I'm filthy rich either way. Kilborn: But I just told you I'm horrible at my job. Shouldn't you fire me now? CBS: Let me explain this so you can understand, Tinkles. Do you mind if I call you Tinkles? Kilborn: Yes. Yes, I do. CBS: Fan-tastic. Tinkles, if I fire you I'll have to find a replacement, which will involve a lot of work. I don't like work, so I'm going to keep you. The checks won't be as good as if I found someone who's actually funny, but I'm comfortable, so to hell with it. Kilborn: You know what? I quit. To hell with this. CBS: We'll pay you double what you're getting now if you stay. Kilborn: I don't care about the money! I can't take sucking every night. I can't bear to sit up there and SUCK for an hour daily. Whenever I catch my own show when I'm flipping through the channels at night, it makes me wanna puke. CBS: We'll pay you double, and I'll learn your name. It's Craig, right? Yes, that's it! Now how do you spell it with a "K"? Kilborn: Jesus Christ, I'm not staying! CBS: One name at a time, Tinkles! I can't learn all your nicknames at once! Now in casual settings, would you like to be called Tinkles, or Jesus Christ? Kilborn: Don't call me anything. I quit. I'm going to work behind the scenes. For Christ's sake, I'm going bald. I can't be the host of a late night show anymore. CBS: Mr. Christ, I will do anything if you stay! Would you like m to shave my back so you can implant the hair on your scalp? Kilborn: Goodbye. CBS: Don't leave! I don't want to do work, Greg! I'm begging you! I'll die if I have to do something besides play golf all day!
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If you like this song by Phoenix, you're going to absolutely love "Alphabetical", their album. The CD just came out, and it's filled with groovy beats like this one. Make sure to visit their website through the music player, and check out another great song of theirs, "Run Run Run".
