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Newscasters becoming hip with teens Paul Ryan The latest hip trend for teens and preteens isn't makeup, piercings, or midriff shirts. It's veteran network newscasters. The hunky news anchors have gained a lustful following from young girls, due mostly to the fact that absolutely nothing else good is on TV from 5-7 p.m. The onslaught of lame sitcom syndication on most local FOX stations has forced teens and preteens to watch the news, and while they don't care much about world or national events, this hip demographic is swooning over anchors like Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings. This phenomenon is especially big in areas where reruns of the sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond" play in the same timeslot as news broadcasts. "That Raymond show sucks a big fat cock," said Stacy Wilmer, 14, from La Crosse, WI. "Maybe if, like, the Simpsons or Seinfeld were on I'd watch, but when that Ray guy talks, it totally sounds like he's gagging on a mouthful of shit." "And I don't mean a mouthful of random stuff," added Wilmer. "I mean, like, actual shit. It sounds like he's choking on a turd."
Other anchors have chosen to stay out of the preteen market. NBC's Stone Phillips has sold his image to Pabst, makers of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. The company is trying to keep its indie status among your hipsters and attract new teenage alcoholics by adding a smiling picture of Phillips to all their advertisements.
"Man, these kids are all into their Rather and Jennings crap, but I'm not into that mainstream stuff," said Norhome. "Brian Williams is the best-looking one out of all those news dudes. If I had a choice between meeting Motley Crue or meeting Brian Williams . . . oh man, I dunno what I'd do. I'd probably piss myself and fall down the stairs."
On the website, Jennings gets to keep an updated list of his favorite rap artists, and writes a weekly column about the dangers of selling out to "The Man". When asked if ABC would be considered "The Man" to some people, Jennings pointed a .44 Magnum at the reporter's head, then lowered it and quickly walked to his limo, saying he had "some bitches waiting inside". It was not known whether the alleged "bitches" were of Jennings' new demographic of underage girls, but witnesses at ABC say the "bitches" were part of a posse that introduced Jennings to the fine musical stylings of Angel Demar and her song, "Who Runs This". When not on the air, Jennings dons a feathered hat and an oversized gold necklace of the letters "NEWZ". ABC is training a variety of replacement newscasters, in case Jennings gets gunned down in a drive-by.
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Merchandisers picked up on the trend immediately, and have started adding newscaster images to clothing and accessories. The design company 
Another company, called Suck A Lemon Fred Allen, has created a girls pajama set that includes a pink shirt with a photo of NBC anchor Tom Brokaw on it, and a matching pair of pink panties with "TOM" written in a movie star style font. This has been a huge seller for the company, and plans for a preteen girls g-string with "TOM ONLY" printed on the front is set for release next month. The company says they don't expect protests like the ones Abercrombie & Fitch had to deal with after releasing a thong for preteens, because "no one can deny that Tom Brokaw can have any woman he wants. Even your precious children."
But people in older demographics are scoffing at such attempts by advertisers, saying non-teens were hip to newscasters long ago. Todd Norhome, a balding long-haired loser, shows off his tattoo of NBC anchor Brian Williams as proof.
One newscaster, ABC's Peter Jennings, refuses to allow companies to use his image. Priding himself as a longtime member of the hipster community, Jennings said he doesn't want to sell himself "like a smelly whore". Jennings has only allowed use of his image once, to become the spokesman for Unpop.com, a hip music site.
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