Taking fake boobs to a new level: Playboy pictorial to feature nude video game characters

Garth: Wayne, did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and pretended to be a girl bunny?

Wayne: Uh, no.

Garth: Yeah, me neither.

I'm not sure if anyone is reading this, since the internet is supposedly going to be shut down by cyberterrorists today (rolls eyes), but does it really matter when you're writing about video game characters appearing nude in Playboy?

I mean, this is hardly an important issue. It is, however, a delicate one. When writing an article about animated porn, it's important to make sure you don't write it in a way that makes your readers think of nerds masturbating. Never, under any circumstances, should you make your readers imagine pale, pimply, unwashed men with oversized glasses sitting naked in front of a Playstation, with the sound, "fap fap fap fap fap fap" just barely audible over the background music to "Tomb Raider".

And by all means, you must never make your audience imagine those same men climaxing. It just wouldn't be right.

Still with me? Really? Pervert.

As a writer, once you're sure your readers aren't imagining a nerd exchanging his keyboard at Best Buy and lying about how it was sticky when he bought it, you have to figure out whether this topic is worthwhile to talk about at all. Will nerds even care about this Playboy pictorial? Haven't they all used tracing paper to draw their favorite comic book and video game characters naked anyway?

Plus, nerds have anime cartoons. When it comes to nerd porn, anime is at the top of the nerd self-abuse world. Honestly, when a nerd has already seen a cartoon where an octopus-like alien anally rapes a Japanese cartoon girl with its tentacles, will plain old nudity really register anymore? It's like offering one of today's kids - who can get a massive amount of hardcore porn on the internet - black-and-white pinup magazines from the 1950s.

"Oooh, look! You can see her calves in that one-piece swimsuit!"

But then again, this is the same sort of people who write erotic Star Trek fan fiction, for crying out loud. So obviously, many nerds are still desperate for softcore nerd porn. But will they put down the tracing paper and pencil they use to draw their favorite comic book characters naked, and shell out money for a Playboy instead?

And more importantly, do I care?

I don't care, but seeing how I still have 100 words or so before this column is at a proper length, I sent an e-mail to a nerdy friend, asking him for his take. He said a video game magazine once published a swimsuit issue, with a bunch of different female video game characters in bikinis. This issue sold out in a matter of weeks.

At first I laughed at that, but then I just became depressed.

Granted, those sales were probably mostly from underage kids whose parents put nudity filters on the family computer, but I think it shows there's still a lot of nerds who will want to "beat the clown until he pukes" to this upcoming issue Playboy.

And with that, I have once again made my readers think of nerds masturbating. It's a shame the column had to end this way.

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Reader Comments

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Roffle Mao      Jun 27, 2005 • 11:30pm   i wuz lookin for nerd pr0n. none here tho. o well l0lx0r Hellobilly!      Sep 28, 2004 • 8:27pm   Errr i don`t know what to say so hi!

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