With long-running unfunny strips like "Garfield", "Beetle Bailey", and "Fred Basset", Cornelius thought his luck would last forever. He spent his earnings foolishly on expensive dinners at Arby's and upgrading his futon to a larger size. He spent $214 in two months, a sum he wished he had saved when the comic strip came crashing down.

The failure of Cornelius' comic strip came not only from his own lack of talent, but also from the lack of talent in Paul Ryan and Tom Heuer, the writers for the comic strip. Ryan and Heuer had alcohol and drug problems, and were known for frequently attending one of the nastier clubs in town, "Club Rapist". When the comic strip started getting visitors, the two would often go on drunken benders that lasted weeks at a time. At one point, Ryan had to move in with Cornelius after spending all his rent money freebasing cocaine.

"It wasn't no cocaine," said a visibly drugged Ryan during an interview last week. "If you done mix it with chocolate syrup and eat it, it's not cocaine. It's chocoblow. I done invented it, and I done named it, and don't you dare try to market it, cause I thought it up. Motherfuck som bitch."

Heuer mainly had problems with alcohol. He got into cartooning after being fired from the Underwater World in the Mall of America, for taking a dump in the diver's tank. Before long, Heuer also had to move in with Cornelius.

"It wouldn't have been so bad, but Heuer lost bladder control when he drank," said Cornelius. "One time, he passed out under my living room table and shat himself. "That's where we got the inspiration for the lone pooper comic."

But despite the drug and alcohol problems of the writers, the comic was a phenomenal success, getting as many as eight hits per week. Cornelius was getting groupies like never before.

"I had sex with all of the girls who visited the site," said Cornelius. "That's what kept 'em coming back. And they were hot, too."

"People say we had eight hits a week," said Heuer, "but I think it was just Cornelius' sister refreshing the page seven times to raise his self-esteem. But to be fair, Cornelius wasn't lying. He's had sex with his sister before."

Times were great for the three. Their best comic strip yet, the dutch oven strip, had just come out, and their egos were booming. It should have been a time for celebration, but instead it turned frightening. On the night of November 21, Ryan was arrested at a Denny's restaurant. He had murdered a prostitute in the restroom.

Heuer agreed to represent Ryan in court, but showed up to the trial an hour late, with his stained sweatpants smelling of feces. Heuer's main argument of "she was a hooker. Who the hell cares if you kill a hooker?", also didn't help much. Ryan was sent to prison, where he was raped and beaten daily, and the constant abuse soon rendered him mentally retarded. He now spends his time begging for change outside Carl Jr. restaurants, and stalking Phylicia Rashad.

The comic dwindled for two weeks, and then died. The run was over. The dream had died. Heuer checked into a methadone clinic, while Cornelius started doing porn. He makes $47 per movie. He made six movies yesterday.