The monkey already has a typewriter, so now he's getting cable

I have longed for this day. A day when I could turn on my television and watch something that is 1) Not fuzzy and flickering, 2) Actually entertaining, and 3) Possibly somewhat smutty.

Yes, reader, after two and a half years of living in my apartment with only regular TV, I'm finally getting cable. As you read this, a smelly man who I'm afraid to let use my bathroom is installing the proper equipment so I can receive all the great benefits of cable, including Comedy Central, ESPN, and . . . well, Comedy Central and ESPN. But I'm sure I'll find many spectacular lesbian prison movies on Cinemax.

Bimbo 1: I'm an American tourist in a foreign country, and the police arrested me simply because I'm hot and have big, fake boobs!

Bimbo 2: Me too! I can't believe the warden makes us wear thongs and tight-fitting tanktops!

Bimbo 3: I don't like you two bitches. I'm gonna tear your clothes off and force you to perform simulated oral sex on me.

Bimbos 1 and 2: Oh yeah? Well, we're gonna fight back, tearing off your clothes! Bring it, you sexy bitch!

Yes indeed, that's the kind of quality programming I'm looking forward to. Finally, I'll have something good to watch at 3 a.m. instead of test patterns and Carson Daly's pathetic and mildly depressing talk show.

Carson Daly: Hi, and welcome to Late Night With Carson Daly! Comedy skits are the bread and butter of any good late night talk show, but I'm such a talentless twit that I'm not even going to attempt any. Please stay tuned while I tell timid jokes in between moments of awkward silence.

Carson Daly: You know what's funny? People who ride the subway. People on the subway who . . . um, y'know . . . sometimes there's funny-looking people on the subway.

Carson Daly: I, uh, went out drinking with some b-list celebrities last night, and we went to a strip club. Anybody wanna hear about it?

Carson Daly: Heh. Um, let's cut to commercial, and then we'll be back with my first guest, the drummer from Creed.

In the daytime, I'm looking forward to getting drunk while watching C-SPAN. Look out, politicians! I'll be drinking and watching you! Congressman Zach Wamp, you shall not escape my wrath any longer! And neither will you, Ike Skelton! Don't think I forgot about you, Charles W. "Chip" Pickering. I'll be watching you. I'll be watching you like a pervert, man.

But the person I'll be watching most closely on cable is that bastard Chuck Woolery. You hear me Woolery? You may think you're hot dickens, but I'll break your face!

Hold on a second, reader. The foul-smelling man installing my cable wants to tell me something. What's that, stinky man installing my cable? What do you mean I don't get the Game Show Network?!? Oh, this is just great. JUST FREAKING GREAT. YOU'VE WON THIS ROUND, WOOLERY! BUT I'LL GET YOU! I'LL GET YOU AND I'LL BREAK YOUR POMPOUS HOT DICKENS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!

Guster Similar to:  Wilco, The BoDeans Guster has a big cult following, and a melodic sound that's almost hypnotizing. It's hard to fill in the "similar to" category, because there's not many bands that sound like Guster. They just feel comfortable. Instructions Music archives

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Reader Comments

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Katers      Sep 3, 2004 • 9:03pm   Yes, "Office Space" is always on, either on "Bravo" or "Comedy Central:. Beerman      Sep 2, 2004 • 9:10pm   Don't forget, FOX is bringing back Family Guy knockwurt king      Sep 1, 2004 • 6:07am   Ah, the joys of cable. Cartoon Network runs "Futurama" and "Family Guy" twice every night. mindwalker      Sep 1, 2004 • 5:11am   "I'll be watching you like a pervert, man." Haha.... now maybe I will get cable again. What you say about Daly is so true it isn't funny. Paul Ryan      Sep 1, 2004 • 3:31am   Ike Skelton says, "Send me an electronic message"!

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