Mom! Old People Are Frightening Me Again!

Earlier this week, when I stopped at home for a dentist consultation (in which the dentist told me that all four of my wisdom teeth would need to come out . . . the commie bastard), I had a little time to kill, so I read the latest edition of the Richfield Sun-Current, my hometown community’s monthly newspaper.

I was nearly frightened to death by what I saw on the front page. It was a photo with the caption, “Singing Silvernotes”. Apparently, this is a group of elderly ladies who like to sing. The song they are singing in the picture (below) is called, “I Love A Piano”. Jesus.

Now, I want you to take a close look at this picture. Does this picture frighten you? It should. It really should. Look closer. Look at the faces. Let’s analyze this crazy picture together.

The looks on the women’s faces seem to say it’s feeding time at the nursing home. Either that, or they’re trying to frighten the man in front who’s directing them. Actually, they look as though they’re closing in on him so they can eat him. Especially the lady just to the right of the guy. Look out, man!

The caption of this photo states that the old biddies are performing in Richfield’s 11th annual senior variety show. One of the most disturbing thoughts is that out of all the acts performing that night, the newspaper photographer decided to capture this one. This was the best act the show yielded. That, or this was the first act, and he got scared and ran away. Or perhaps he found it funny that the deathly-old women look like they’re shouting at someone to get off their lawn.

This “talent” show took place at Richfield High School. I can just imagine all the elderly people wandering my old school’s hallways trying to find the auditorium, only to fall down the stairs and lay there in big piles of other stinky old people. But anyway, on to the photo.

Let’s look at geezer girl 1 (below) in a blown-up photo: This is the queen. She’s the one who looks most likely to eat the director man’s head, like a female praying mantis would. She’s also the one who looks most likely to be shouting profanity. Her pants are so high that they’re nearly covering her entire shirt. You’d think she was golfing.

Geezer girl 2: God, I should have saved this one for the end. This woman looks as though she’s about to vomit, “Exorcist” style, projecting it into the audience. Hey, having to change clothes would at least give them a reason to leave.

To summarize the rest of the geezer women, I have lined up their pictures below. The woman on the left looks like she’s sleeping, and the one on the right looks like she’s sneezing.

.....

On a separate note, all the women look like they work at a movie theatre. In fact, I’m seriously willing to bet that they borrowed the uniforms from a local cineplex. Seriously.

Now, the man directing them is another story. Take another look at him. What is he doing? Masturbating? Standing in awe of the mass amounts of spit that have undoubtedly flown in his face from the wide-open mouths of his decrepit singers? Is he ripping a big fat smelly to spite some elderly gentleman in the front row? Or is he not the director at all, but instead just a senile man who wandered onstage? There are some things we’ll just never know.

Overall, I think this picture shows something very important. It shows that no matter what happens, never take a job with the Richfield Sun-Current newspaper, or you’ll spend your weekend nights covering crap like this.

God knows I do at my newspaper. Now click the Amazon paybox and give me money.