|
Le Tour de Shitty Game Paul Ryan I thought I had seen the worst of video games. I thought I had witnessed every ridiculous genre the industry could come up with. Video game companies have created plenty of them. There's the upcoming "Final Fantasy XII", which requires you to play it roughly eight hours a day for two years to complete it. There's "Madden 2005", which is so incredibly complicated that only actual NFL coaches could understand all of it, and even then, they still wouldn't enjoy it. There's "Britney's Dance Beat", which teaches people how to dance like Britney Spears, as if that were a good thing. And, of course, there's "Mary Kate & Ashley: Sweet 16", which comes with a razor blade so you can slit your wrists before the vomit rushes to your head and bursts out your eye sockets. Surely, this is the worst of it, right? Surely, the industry couldn't find any way to make video games more pathetic, could they? Oh, but they did.
You press a button, and your character pedals. Then your character gets tired, so you stop pressing the button. You press the other button, and your character drinks water from his water bottle, which makes him ready to pedal again. You repeat this strategy for a few hours, and then just sit in the corner and weep, asking God why you have no friends. God uses his mystical powers to make a bowl of pudding fall on your head, and laughs at you until his stomach hurts. Except he's God, and God's stomach never hurts, so he keeps laughing until you start bawling like a preteen girl watching a pony die. He tells you to shut up, calls you a pussy, and tells you the first step to making friends is showering daily.
Press A to run. Press B to run half a block off course, urinate on a random person's lawn, and return to the race. Press C to put your hands on your knees, vomit all over the street, and start running again. Tap D repeatedly to stop the profuse bleeding from your nipples, which you forgot to cover with tape. Actually, that game sounds pretty fun. But I'd only play it if there were a bunch of added special moves, like "spit in other runner's face", "blow snot at spectators", "knock over water table while giving race volunteers the finger", "adjust your groin while cameras are on you", and "remove adult diaper you soiled, throw on old lady's lawn while she's raking leaves". Now that's a game worth playing.
Warning: date() expects parameter 2 to be long, string given in /home/fuddes/public_html/ramblings/comments/includes/commenter/~genBody.php on line 11
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Welcome to "
Seriously, at what point did Konami stop to consider whether this game would actually be fun? I know video games want to provide simulations of every major sport available, but do we really need the Tour de France? What's next, a Boston Marathon simulation?
The Pat Freestone Band has yet to play their first gig, but this single sent to me by Mr. Freestone himself (the guy in the picture on the left) is surprisingly good. I read 
