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Worldwide funkified charity drive 2005 Paul Ryan We don't want your money, reader. We don't want your volunteer hours. We don't want your food stamps, your soiled clothing, or that ham and applesauce sandwich your senile grandmother packed you for lunch. No sir. What we're looking for here is a little of your funkiness. We're holding the Worldwide Funkified Charity Drive 2005 to gather funkiness for our world's less funky, many of whom are desperately in need. Why 2005? Because it rhymes, bitch. You've seen them, but probably never recognized the problem. Old men standing in the street, begging for change. Middle-aged women with their hair tightly pinned in a bun, frowning at everyone they see. Young people fully supporting the Republican party. The problem isn't a lack of will or a lack of heart. The problem is a lack of natural funk. Perhaps there is a bit of funkiness you're not using right now that you could donate, reader. Perhaps instead of going to that spicy salsa dance club tonight, you could stay home and donate your unused funkiness. Perhaps instead of going to that pimp and hoe keg party this weekend, you could put your afro wig, big gold chains, and a handful of your funkiness in a box and donate it to someone in need. Don't be selfish, reader. When you're older, you'll understand how hard it can be to get funky. Older people have trouble getting moving, are often married and don't get sex as often, and are pressured by their equally unfunky friends to listen to the music of Kenny G and John Denver. They need your help. Your generous donations will go to people who truly need a trip to the proverbial funkytown. Just look at the results from a few years ago, when the aging James Brown literally ran out of funk. We gave him a superfunk transplant, and he instantly became funkier:
 Look at this homeless man we also helped, who went from angry and creepy to stylish and carefree:
 Just think of what we can do in the future. Al Gore didn't have much funk to begin with, and after losing the 2000 election to a former alcoholic with little to no recognizable achievements, Gore became worse. With your help, we can make him look like the vigorous and highly funky pseudo-prizefighter pictured on the right.
 But what about John Kerry? Donate now, and we can funk him up before the election by . . . um . . . well, we can put a party hat on him, which will move people's focus away from his wrinkly, zombie-like face.
 But there's more! Donate today, and you'll get a "I gave my funk" sticker absolutely free! We'll also send you a picture of the unfunky person who benefitted from your generosity. It only takes one funk a day to help. That's a mere 30 funks a month. How could you not afford to help?
For the love of God, think of Neil Patrick Harris, reader! Doogie Howser needs you!
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