I'm sick and tired of fat people

Damn it, I'm sick of you fat bastards. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat! You're fat! Put down the chocolate breakfast bars, gigantic high-calorie and high-fat salads, and unhealthy "once in a while treats" you constantly eat in between meals. Pull your head out of your ass, fatty.

Unless you're planning to become an offensive lineman in the NFL, please stop eating like one. Seriously, if I have to see another fatty eat a 350 calorie salad that contains 30 percent of their daily fat value, and then whine about how they can't lose weight, I'm gonna crack. And if I crack, I will take out my violent wrath on fatties like you.

So STOP IT. JUST STOP IT.

There's nothing wrong with being a little overweight. Having a beer gut or just being out of shape is no big deal. To be honest, I'm not much for dating skinny girls. Most people are attracted to guys and girls with some meat on their bones. But there's a difference between "a little meat" and "unhealthy weight problem". Girls: if you're in your 20s or 30s and your breasts sag to your waist already, you've got a problem. Guys: if you can't see your penis without sucking in your gut, you've got a problem.

Our country has a weight problem that has only increased over the years (click the first link on this page for proof), and in time we're all going to be paying for it through increased healthcare costs. That's right, fatty. When you have a bunch of coronaries and heart problems from being overweight, your health insurance company loses money insuring you. To make up for this, they charge everyone higher premiums. So buy all the "Fat and Proud" self-esteem books you want, but you're only kidding yourself. You have a problem that's affecting us all.

So let's get started, shall we? There's only four simple rules to follow. Rule 1: eat three meals a day, fatty. No more, no less. Three sensible meals. Most importantly, DO NOT eat food in between meals. No snacks or treats, only sugar-free drinks or plain fruits and vegetables. And don't think I won't notice if you put peanut butter on that celery stick, you fat bastard.

Rule 2: no fast food, tubby. NONE. No salads, no "low-carb" crap, nothing. What qualifies as fast food? Anything that doesn't come from your own kitchen. Eat at home, and only buy meal-related food when you shop at the supermarket. Don't buy extras or snacks or anything you might eat in between meals. You don't have to torture yourself with horrible-tasting food, all you have to do is eat responsible portions during meals, and not eat anything outside of mealtimes. Being diabetic, I've done this for the past 10 years or so. It's not hard.

And no yogurt, tubby. If I see you eating strawberry yogurt, I'm going to pry it from your stubby fingers and shove it up your ass.

Rule 3: exercise for 15 minutes a day, you lazy bastard. Studies prove that if you start your day by doing a simple 15 minutes of exercise (jumping jacks, situps, or other easy stuff that requires no equipment or money), not only will your metabolism improve tremendously, you'll also feel more awake and be happier over the course of the day.

Rule 4: no fad diets, you moron. I don't care what you call it: the Atkins diet, the south beach diet, or whatever. No matter what you call it, it's unhealthy and stupid. The reason these low-carb diets help you lose weight is because they put your body into ketosis, which means your body thinks you're starving yourself, and uses carbohydrates from your fat reserves. That's why you feel lightheaded when you start the diet, genius. Just because that feeling goes away after a few days doesn't mean your body isn't still in danger. Plus, the minute you start eating carbohydrates again, you're going to gain back every pound you lost, because of the simple fact that you still haven't learned to eat properly. Why do you think Atkins stuff is such a huge moneymaker? It's because the diet never ends. And if you never go off the diet, you're going to have health problems in the future that will be as bad, if not worse, than being overweight.

So let's recap. Eat three sensible meals a day with no snacks. Don't eat fast food. Exercise for 15 minutes when you wake up. Stay away from any diet that's promoted by a book. Got it? Good. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and get going, lardass.

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