I'm outta Kool-Aid, mothafucker!

Note: my dad turned 57 years old yesterday. In honor of his birthday, I have written today's column just for him. This column uses my dad's least-favorite word, "motherfucker", a record number of times. In addition, I'm taking bets as to how this will affect my future inheritance. Anyone who guesses that I'll get more than 45 cents will be given 100 to 1 odds. Material possessions, such as "a toaster", "a pillow with yellow stains on it", or "a big bag of turds", will also be accepted as guesses.

Man: God damn, bitch, we outta Kool-Aid!

Woman: That's some cold shit, mothafucka. But what the fuck you want me to do about it?

Man: Bitch, don't make me get violent. Get yo mothafuckin' ass out there and get me some mothafuckin' Kool-Aid.

Woman: Oh no, you didn't! I know yo lazy mothafuckin' ass didn't just tell me to get in tha mothafuckin' car and get you some mothafuckin' Kool-Aid!

Man: Watch yo mouth, bitch, or I smack the slut right outta yo dick-suckin' bitch-ass lips. I don't care if you is pregnant. Get yo fat mothafuckin' ass out that mothafuckin' door and go to tha motherfuckin' market and GET ME SOME MOTHAFUCKIN' KOOL-AID.

Woman: Mothafucka, I'm yo baby's momma! If you don't respect this mothafuckin' shit, I'll get a mothafuckin' coat hanger outta da mothafuckin' closet and end this mothafuckin' shit right here, mothafucker! Daaaaamn, mothafucka! Daaaaamn!

Man: Bitch, I kill you! I mothafuckin' kill you myself!

Woman: Mothafucka, you ain't got the mothafuckin' guts. Yo balls is the size of a mothafuckin' box of Junior Mints.

Man: Don't make me slap you with this mothafuckin' dick, bitch! I slap it across yo mothafuckin' mouth so mothafuckin' hard, playas think you get slapped in yo mothafuckin' mouth with dicks for a mothafuckin' livin'!

Woman: You wanna do that, you gonna have to get a ladder and somebody else's dick, mothafucka. Yo dick so short, Gandhi could eat it while fastin', and it wouldn't count worth mothafuckin' nothin'.

Man: Mothafucka, dat's it! I through with you, bitch! I don't care if you is my mothafuckin' baby's momma! You don't get me some mothafuckin' Kool-Aid in a mothafuckin' hour, I gonna jizz in yo mothafuckin' eye while you's asleep! It ain't just gonna be krusties in yo eye when you wake up, it gonna be a whole man pie, bitch!

Woman: Who da bitch in this house?!? Who da bitch?!? You whinin' more than Mandy Moore after her mothafuckin' boyfriend accidentally slip it in her ass!

Man: (pulls out gun) Bitch, I want some mothafuckin' Kool-Aid, RIGHT MOTHAFUCKIN' NOW.

Woman: Fine. I get yo mothafuckin' Kool-Aid. Then when I have this mothafuckin' baby, I gonna have the mothafuckin' doctor sew up this mothafuckin' pussy and you ain't never gettin' no mothafuckin' pussy again.

Man: Just make sure it be mothafuckin' sugar-free Kool-Aid, bitch. You fat as hell as it is. It's like I fuckin' Louie Anderson or some shit like dat. I mean, damn, mothafucka.

What the hell is that?  Find out! More from last week: My next theater role: a retard (seriously) New Paul Lundgren columns How did Al Gore get so fat? Much, much more Join now

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Reader Comments

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uh      Dec 16, 2005 • 6:01pm   damn! WHAT!?      Nov 26, 2004 • 4:12am   so mindwalker      Sep 20, 2004 • 11:36pm   I seem to remember my mom and dad having this SAME fight when I was around 8 years old, mothafucka! Katers      Sep 20, 2004 • 2:50pm   If you go around talking like that when you come down to Chicago, you gonna get a cap popped in yo ass, mothafucka. Word. Aaron J. Brown      Sep 20, 2004 • 2:26pm   Nice Ghandi reference. I love it when your columns straddle the line between intellectualism and, well, you know. Scizapegoat      Sep 20, 2004 • 12:26pm   Mothafucka, this be the wackest column you done in a while! Yo ass ain't gettin' SHIT from yo daddy when he take da big dirt nap! Bitch, you be lucky to get he crusty ol' spankerchief, all fulla spoo an' shit.

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