Shirts I would buy if I weren't saving money to purchase the distribution rights to "Ernest Goes to Camp"

Why am I listing shirts instead of writing an actual column? Beats me. Do you have a better idea for a freakin' Wednesday? And yes, I realize all these shirts are off E-bay, but that's because E-bay is the best place to buy clothes. It's cheap, there's much better stuff than Goodwill or other used clothing stores, and it supports fat people who sell shirts online instead of actually working for a living. Gotta support the fat people.

Orange Crush. I guess I like Orange Crush, but the real reason this shirt rocks is the completely unnecessary text, "carbonated beverage", printed below the logo. If it just had the logo, it wouldn't be as swass, but the assumption on the part of Orange Crush that the average person is really stupid intrigues me. Hey Orange Crush, I'm like you! I think people suck too!

Vote for Pedro. If you've seen the movie "Napoleon Dynamite", then you know this shirt. However, this shirt would be cooler if it hadn't been in a movie. Luckily, most people probably haven't seen that movie, so they'll still think you're weird. And with a shirt that says "Vote for Pedro", weird is certainly the goal. This is one shirt I'll definitely be buying.

SEIBU. What the hell is SEIBU? No, seriously. I'm curious. Is it a Japanese baseball team? Either way, it's a pretty cool shirt. It kind of reminds me of that terrible movie Tom Selleck was in where he played for some foreign baseball team.

William H. Taft is an idiot. Who the hell am I kidding? This shirt sucks.

IZOD Lacoste. Don't even mock the 1980s alligator shirt. Don't even try it, you bastards. I liked this shirt so much, I bought it. Now I am one step closer to my goal of going back in time and murdering the unborn fetus of Ryan Seacrest.

Atari. The first video game system I ever played was an Atari, and their logo is still 100 times better looking than anything else out there. Why bright orange? Because I'm an attention whore. If you're not a whore, you can find every color possible here.

Jamaica. I've never been there. I have to give props to my friend Adam, who found this shirt first. Not only is the design so cheesy it's great, but the slogan is hilarious. Now if only someone would make a shirt that says, "Idaho. Thank God I've never been there."

Other cool shirts:
-Tab Cola
-Green Squirrel
-Devil sign
-Save us all

Worst shirt ever made:
-Bea Arthur

The Datsuns Similar to:  Jet, The Von Bondies The latest album from The Datsuns, "Outta Sight/Outta Mind", is worth buying, especially for the song I'm featuring today. If someone gave Bob Dylan amphetamines and had the band "Jet" backing him up, it might sound something like The Datsuns. Other than that, I'm not quite sure how to describe this truly awesome band. Instructions Music archives

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