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Uh oh. My mom is reading this Paul Ryan It finally happened. My parents got cable internet installed at their house, and now my mom can read my column every day. But I'm glad. No, really, I'm glad my parents are now able to view every dirty, despicable, unappealing thing I write online. It's good that I have to clean up my act on this website. I'm going to be a new, decent man. You know what word my mom doesn't like? Cunt. HI MOM! Weiner, fart, dick, poopy, cunnilingus! HOOTERS! HOOOOOOOOOOOTERS! I don't think she likes the word "vagina", either. But the real question is whether she enjoys the word "beavegina". I just made it up. It's a combination between "beaver" and "vagina". For instance, you could call "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek a beavegina, because he comes from Canada, where beavers are plentiful, and he's also a big pussy. Or so I've heard. Actually mom, why don't you just print out this column, and then check off which of the following words or phrases you dislike:
What am I doing? I shouldn't be making fun of my mom. I should be helping her in this newfound internet experience. Mom, here's a list of some useful websites you can visit. Just click the link, and it will take you there. - Here's a great news website. It's faster and easier when you read it online. Give it a try! - Here's the website for Walgreens, where you can check your prescriptions. - Here's an online dictionary/thesaurus, for when you're writing. - Here's the website for the newspaper I work for. Now you can see what I'm up to every week. - Oh, and here's a strange website with naked people playing volleyball. How else can I help my mom with her first online experience? What does she want from her online experience? Does she want porn, like everyone else? Or what about great deals on sausage links? I don't know any websites with great deals on sausage links. Or what if she desires a place online to purchase monkey urine? I don't know any websites like that, and the La Crosse zoo put the monkeys inside for the winter already.
What am I to do, break into the monkey house? Huh, mom?!? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, BREAK INTO THE MONKEY HOUSE, JUST SO YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WARM JAR OF PEE??? WHY ARE YOU SO DEMANDING, MOM?? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT?? TO HELL WITH YOU AND YOUR SICK, TWISTED MONKEY CRAVINGS!
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