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Depressed? Send in the clowns! No, not those clowns. The bitter, abusive ones that slap the kids around Paul Ryan The election is over, and while I've teeter-tottered between depression and apathy since then, I've found one thing that makes me smile again. Bitterness. Sweet, sweet bitterness. Glorious, selfish, and uncaring bitterness is my savior. Oh dearest biterness, how I've missed you! Like a sex addict whose wife cuts off his penis and throws it in a field from a moving car, I spent many months trying to live without bitterness. But a sex-addicted eunuch can't take part in orgies, and likewise, a pessimist can't dance around in a stupid hippie circle singing kumbaya all day. The best times I've ever had were when I was bitter and wrongly taking it out on everyone else, and I'm going to embrace that lifestyle again. In my search for bitterness related to the election, I didn't have to look further than the foreign press. Here in America, we have something called "ethical standards". But in most other countries, the press follows a much more logical piece of advice: If it'll be hilarious or involve boobs, go with it. Since this election involved two boobs running against each other for the presidency, it qualifies. So let's take a look at the progression of the foreign press, from serious to silly to angry as hell.
 Before the election began, The Dominion Post in Fairfax, New Zealand did a wonderful job of summing up the importance of this election by scaring the bejeezus out of all their readers. American newspapers didn't go so far as to say the fate of the world lay on this election, but wouldn't you have read it if it did? The kids used in the photos are also incredibly adorable, though I still want to throw a brick at the kid with the "W" sign. That way, W could stand for "Weeping after I hit you in the mouth with part of my house."
 Here in America, the Daily News in Los Angeles, CA had the most daring headline, which wasn't all that daring at all. I want libel, damn it! Plus, this front page gives me no opportunity to encourage the beating of other people's children.
 I get all sorts of angry e-mails from Canadians who hate America, but most Canadians aren't that ambitious. This is because they're drunk off moonshine most weekday mornings when they arrive at work to start surfing the internet. The person who drew the caricature obviously isn't fond of Bush, but it's pretty tame. Drawing a pee stain on Bush's crotch would have been much cooler.
 Now on to the good stuff! London's Daily Mirror asks the question Democrats have been asking for the past two days in between sips of Jack Daniels. I doubt there will ever be an answer that makes sense to a logical person.
 London's The Independent was the most satisfying out of the bunch, though they forgot to show pictures with unemployment lines, healthcare bills, old people moving into rest homes because they can't afford food and prescription drugs, and a chart of our deficit.
 This is funny, because The Guardian is a respectable London newspaper. I spotted this preview box on top of the paper's front page. However, I'm not sure about the picture they used. The woman may just have food poisoning or be trying to blow snot out of her nose.
 Let's get back to America for just a moment. I'd like to point out how Red Streak, a magazine included with the Chicago Sun-Times, had the most telling photo from the entire election. Nobody else dared to show the heartbreak so many kerry supporters felt, for fear of being called "The Liberal MediaTM". Freaking cowards. This is a photo that will be as telling 100 years from now as it is today.
 Boy howdy, there's nothing better than waking up in the morning, getting a hot cup of joe, and reading sentences from right to left! Maariv in Tel-Aviv, Israel covered our election pretty heavily, though there's no way for me to translate what it says. But a picture is worth a thousand words, and that picture of Bush climaxing clearly shows he won the election. I also find it amusing that the two candidates appear to be very close to holding hands. I will check future issues of Maariv and tell you if this near hand holding turns into hot candidate-on-candidate illegal gay sex action.
 I've saved the best and most outrageous front page for last. Somebody at The New Zealand Herald must have snapped and, uh . . . okay I made this one up. But it's more true than any headline printed anywhere yesterday. One thing I didn't alter from the original front page is the heads of Bush and Kerry in the upper-corners, both of which appear to be snorting some of the newspaper's text as if it were cocaine. Old habits die hard, eh boys? Not to worry. We all have our vices. Myself, I'm thinking of purchasing a case of Drano and becoming a toothless meth addict.
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