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Goodbye John Ashcroft! Don't change your hair! It's awesome! Paul Ryan For those of you who haven't heard, Attorney General John Ashcroft - the hardest working man formed in the exact image of Jesus since . . . well, Jesus - has resigned. Yes, it's a sad day, because we all know that no matter how unworldly and corn-fed Bush's next appointee is, he or she just won't be able to bible thump like John. A moment of silence for John, please. All right, seriously. Who made the farting sound? Don't pretend like that was real. You're not fooling anybody. The chances of flatulence being that loud, and occurring exactly when everyone gets really quiet, is not likely. So let's be serious, here. Let's have a moment of silence for our dear friend John. Just a moment. Five seconds of silence. Oh, come on! That's it, we're not doing this. Obviously, if someone is going to yell, "Die you f-word" during a moment meant to show respect, then this is pointless. You're supposed to be saying a prayer for John. What if the nearly unlimited pension fund he's getting from the government for working four whole years isn't enough to support him? Ugh. You people, I swear. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. It's a nervous time right now, because rumor has it that Bush's choice to replace Ashcroft may be Larry Thompson, a former Deputy Attorney General. Now, I don't want to sound like a nervous nelly here, but this has me a little worried. You see, Thompson is . . . well, he's . . . he's one of them. WHAT? No! Goodness no, he's not gay! Lordy, no! He's just . . . well, it's somewhat outdated to assume that African-Americans lean to the liberal side, but it may still mean he's not as conservative as John. And dang it to heck, don't we deserve a hate-mongering good ol' boy to be appointed? I mean, conservative religious folk like ourselves are the ones who helped Bush win this election, so isn't it his duty to pay us back with some ultra-conservative appointees? That and a national gay marriage ban should ensure that we'll come back and vote Republican again in 2008. I realize that as churchgoers, we should probably be using our might to push the president towards peace and away from wars and killing - especially since killing is the most heinous offense one can make against God - but keeping gays from being treated like human beings just makes me feel safe. It makes us feel safe. Boy, I tell you reader, if I weren't so blatantly homophobic, I'd give you a big hug. Oh, look at me! I'm off on a tangent. Let's get back to the main subject. What? What's that, reader? Former deputy Thompson is good buddies with Clarence Thomas? Oooh, that certainly helps his standing. What's that? Thompson ran the task force that was supposed to crack down on corporate crime, but let 90% of the scumbags at Enron get off the hook without even a slap on the wrist? Wow, maybe he could be a good replacement! Either way, at least Bush has appointed Dr. David Hager to head up the FDA's Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. Hager is an OB/GYN who refuses to prescribe birth control to unmarried women. In a book he wrote with his wife, Hager said women having menstrual pain should read their Bibles and pray. It's about time women realize that menstruation is a punishment that will go away if they pray hard enough! But really, we should be talking about John. Without Ashcroft, who's going to make sure police can read our e-mail and listen to our phone conversations without good reason? Who's going to cover the naked bosoms of the timeless statues in our government buildings? It's going to be lonely when John leaves in a few months. Sigh. ALL RIGHT, WHO DID THAT?!? That was my sentimental ending, and you ruined it with your potty bowl noises! Damn you all! Damn you all straight to hell! I'm moving back to Kentucky!
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Great mixing skills and a desire to get away from rap's immaturity has helped K-os take hip hop to a new level. His first album, released in 2003, won International Album of the Year at the Source Awards, and he's toured with The Roots and India Arie. In my opinion, his second album is even better.
