I want to see Senator Brownback's porn collection

"When I was growing up, some guy would sneak a magazine in somewhere and show some of us, but you had to find him at the right time."

That was what Senator Sam Brownback (R-Kansas) said during a recent Senate hearing on porn. Let me tell you, if I were a senator, I'd hold "hearings" on porn every few weeks, followed by hearings on beer, video games, cool new expensive gadgets, and which type of ice cream is the tastiest.

Granted, Brownback also said the testimony at the hearing, which alleged that addiction to internet porn is "worse than crack", was the most disturbing thing he's ever seen. But didn't he also sound a little intrigued? "In my day, it was hard to get porn. Holy balls! Look how easy it is now!" It was like he was chomping at the bit to run home and download scat movies. Was anyone watching the local computer stores? If I know white, middle-aged, frightened conservatives - and I'd like to think I do - then I doubt Brownback has a computer. I'd bet my life savings - all $4.86 of it - that he bought a computer immediately after that hearing.

The only question is whether he signed up for dialup or high-speed internet. If he has the slow downloads of dialup, he probably won't see internet porn as much of a threat. But if he has the top-tier, 3 mb/second "superporn speed package" like I have, porn might be banned from this country within a week.

I'll bet he has one of the most very awesomest porn collections ever!

In all seriousness, this Senate hearing on porn is a scary occurrence. The first thing Brownback did after the hearing was ask what could be done about porn. Now, I don't have the money to partake in steady streams (excuse the pun) of online porn, but if someone else (Bill Gates) does, and he (Gates) likes it, then who exactly are the senators trying to save? Sure, some people may need help (Gates), and let's make sure they (Gates) get it, but there's no need to legislate everything to death. If sick, creepy perverts (Gates) want all the chafing, let them have it.

What's this? A bleeding-heart liberal complaining about too much government involvement? Don't get me wrong, I still want to someday live in a United States that has universal healthcare and a government narc to cook me waffles every morning (dubbed by the government as the "anti-loneliness, definitely not for spying" bill), but I draw the line when Uncle Sam tries to take away my porn.

Damn it, Uncle Sam! I live in La Crosse, WI, you ignorant jackass! Half the women here look like Charlize Theron in the movie "Monster"! The other half slow up the bus schedule every morning because they have to be loaded in the back with a forklift! They float better than everyone else in the pool, but what use is that to me, damn it??

I need a way out of here, Uncle Sam, not a way to becoming more insane than this ugly farm has made me.

Maybe I could try smoking crack. If crack is easier to quit than internet porn, then I'm home-free.

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