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I'm thankful for my family not beating me over this column Paul Ryan Tomorrow is a very important day, reader. According to the half-dozen or so e-mails I've received from those damn dirty hippies I call my friends, tomorrow is the day we give thanks for being allowed to slaughter Native Americans and steal their land without repercussions. Well, I don't give a flying crap about that. I'm just in this for the good food, damn it. Do you know how long it's been since I've eaten actual, real food? Last night I ate spaghetti from a can, reader. SPAGHETTI IN A CAN. That's only a few steps away from eating your own poop. It's not that I can't afford real food, it's just that I'm extremely lazy. The only time I eat anything besides TV dinners and canned pasta is on Thanksgiving, when my family chains my mother to the oven and forces her to cook against her will. She kicks and screams and spits on us, and we have to force her to cook at gunpoint, but we get a good meal out of it. Then, when the meal is over, we angrily tell her the turkey was dry, throw the remaining food on the floor, and curse at her until she cleans it up. Ha ha! Just kidding, mom! Please don't add laxatives to the corn. If you do, I'll excrete in your pillowcase. However, if you only add laxatives to dad's serving of corn, he'll go fudge in his pants and we'll both find it incredibly hilarious. Ha ha! Just kidding, dad! Please don't beat me with your belt and put out your cigar in my eye. It was Mike, your other son, who came up with the idea. When he comes home for Thanksgiving, you should push him down the stairs and then run down and kick him in the groin. Hi Mike! I didn't know you were reading today's column. I was just kidding about that last paragraph! Please don't stick your weiner in my ear while I'm asleep. That would be a very childish thing to do. Unless you were doing it to one of my readers. Then it would be freakin' hilarious. Oh, come now, reader! Don't get mad! I'm just kidding! Sorry for today's column being so disgusting, but I'm only doing it because I want to help you save your appetite for the big Thanksgiving meal Thursday. I promise I'll be good for the rest of the column. Maybe I should spend the rest of today's column giving thanks. But really, would you be impressed if I thanked you for reading this column? Probably not. But I bet you'd be impressed if legendary singer John Denver said "Thanks to you". Consider that wish granted!
 Wasn't that awesome? No? Okay, well what if I showed my thanks by posting a maze game featuring offensive Native American stereotypes trying to get to an ear of corn? I'll bet you didn't know Native Americans liked baseball so much! Happy Thanksgiving!
 No good? Well, forget it then. Why the hell should I be thankful for spaghetti in a can, anyway?
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If the Beatles were still making music as a group today, they might sound a little like this song from Razorlight. Granted, nobody can top the Beatles, but this is still a great song. The catchy guitar riff hits you from the first moment, and the singing keeps you going through the end of the song.
