I just had my wisdom teeth pulled

By the time you read this column Friday morning, I will likely be asleep in a dentist's chair while a madman rips all four wisdom teeth out of my mouth. According to various news reports I've read, this madman might also touch me in naughty places while I'm asleep. Hear me now, reader - if I wake up with my pants down, you're going to be reading about an oral surgeon in Minneapolis being thrown out a window.

Luckily, one thing I'm not too worried about is pain. I've chosen an oral surgeon who, according to my brother, will "f*ckin' knock your ass out with anesthetic." So if my teeth hurt, I won't feel it until I wake up next Wednesday.

And really, besides the tremendous pain I've felt from my wisdom teeth lately, the pain medication is the only reason I'm allowing this quack to rip teeth out of my gums. Will the oral surgeon give me my own home supply of valium? Perhaps he'll just give me a random grab bag of sedatives from his office. Yes reader, downers are one of the most widely abused prescription drugs in the United States, and I can't wait to get in on the action.

All I ask is that no one mention the phrase "dry socket". Doesn't that phrase just creep you out like the dickens? "Dry socket!" It's something very easy to avoid, but just the sound of it makes me cringe. "Dry socket". Yecchhh.

But I'm not worried about that. Why worry when you're about to be flying high as a kite on hospital-strength drugs? Lucy in the sky with diamonds, reader. Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

Actually, I think that song was referring to cocaine, which the oral surgeon likely will not prescribe, but oh well.

Anyway, the main reason I'm discussing my wisdom teeth today is for your benefit, reader. If you don't normally read the Crapalog, today is a good day to start. I'll be posting my condition in it as soon as I stop seeing double long enough to type. You'll know the post by its unique title, probably something along the lines of "Lucy in the sky with diamonds, my ass", or "OH GOD, THE PAIN WON'T STOP".

Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera, so I will not be able to post pictures of me spitting blood all over my parents' good furniture. Other hilarious sights you'll miss include me drooling blood onto my dad's pillow while he's away at work, me accidentally spilling tomato soup on my dad's favorite work shirts because the anesthesia is making me see double, and me drooling blood onto my brother's underwear drawer and leaving him a note saying mom was wearing his boxers during her time of the month.

That last one was wrong. I'm not gonna say I'm sorry, though. I'll be in so much pain today that all my inappropriate comments in this column will be wiped off my permanent record.