Volvo admits women can't drive, need special car

Nine months ago, a team of female engineers at Volvo designed a car specifically for women. Volvo is now showcasing this vehicle, the YCC, as a "concept car", which means they'll never ever ever release it. And really, why should they release a car designed by people who can't drive?

Oh, I'm just kidding, female reader. Men drive just as badly as women. I just wanted to get you riled up. And in this same "oh crap, you were offended, i was really just kidding" style, let me ask, if it's a car made for women, does that mean five days out of every month the paint will turn red and the car won't let you drive it?

Ha ha! Just kidding! It's only a joke, female reader! We all know it's the few days before those five red days that you really have to watch out.

But hey, let's talk seriously about this car for a moment. It was designed with gull-wing doors, which open upward instead of outward, like the Delorean in the movie "Back to the Future". These doors are accompanied by swiveling seats, so ladies wearing skirts can get out of the vehicle without exposing their vaginas.

Unfortunately, the problem with gull-wing doors, aside from being the dumbest name for a door ever, is when you park in a tight space, you won't be able to open them enough to get out. Also, when you park in a low-clearance parking garage, the doors won't have enough upward clearance. These are the main reasons the Delorean was not successful. Instead of elegantly stepping out of the car, women will either have to crawl out the back, or put the car in neutral and push it into the freaking parking space. How elegant.

Really, wouldn't you rather just put on some freakin' underwear? I mean Christ, don't you skanks get cold doing that?

Anyway, back to the car. Another big feature of this car is the headrests have holes for ponytails.

Oh boy. That sure is . . . neat? I guess?

Seriously, car companies will design headrests with holes for ponytails, but will they design a hole in the driver's seat so I can take a dump without pulling over? Nooooooo. And will they then hook up a hose to the waste container, so I can spray diarrhea all over bad drivers who cut me off, or pedestrians who look like they're givin' me the business? Nooooooo. Honking the horn and giving the finger just doesn't work anymore, reader. It just doesn't.

But hey, enough about the real features of Volvo's car for women. Let's talk about the pretend features. Y'know, the ones I made up to ridicule and anger my female readers? Yeah, I know! I love those, too!

Volvo's car for women has two driving modes: "frumpy old lady", in which the car will not exceed 25 mph, and "psycho bitch", in which the car will go no slower than 90 mph. In both modes, the car will sway aimlessly from lane to lane. Both modes also have an automatic parking system. In "frumpy old lady" mode, the auto-park system will drive around the first two rows of a parking lot for a minimum of 40 minutes before finally just parking a few rows back, for Christ's sake I mean what the hell woman. In "Psycho bitch" mode, the auto-park system will dent or scratch a minimum of two cars while maneuvering into a spot, and then drive to the other side of the lot to avoid blame.

The cars will be available in pink, purple, or glitter. The turn signals and rear-view mirrors have been removed, and the transmission has been engineered so you can start the car while the shifter is in "drive". Future models of the car may include tampon dispensers, oversized back seats for childbirth, and computerized seats that notify the driver of a yeast infection.

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Reader Comments

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Diane      Apr 21, 2008 • 3:33am   You sound like a total idiot. First men aren't equally as bad as women at driving, they're worse. So says insurance companies everywhere. They are more likely to cause accidents, and more likely to cause fatal accidents, because of they're unsafe risk taking behavior. Second, those periods you mentioned are 7 days not five... if you're going to say dumb stuff you could at least get the blatantly obvious facts correct. Peace. DietCoke      Jan 3, 2006 • 6:40am   this was gold lol props up to paul dave      Sep 28, 2005 • 12:12am   lisa you are just another stupid woman, face it. Stop striving for what you think is "equality". It will never happen because men and women are not equal; men will and always be the superior sex. John      Aug 11, 2005 • 9:32pm   Brilliant! A copy of this article should be made available at every gynaecologist's office. In Limbo      Aug 11, 2005 • 7:28pm   Let's face it (Lisa), stereotypes are built on facts. Sure they don't represent everyone they are stereotyping. But they do represent a large enough number to actually be coined a "stereotype." Have you ever considered the reason you are (were) so offended is because you represent the stereotypical woman driver? This was really funny by the way.

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