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The hosts on E! are scary clown people Paul Ryan I've never really watched the E! Entertainment channel before, but I watched it this weekend and I have a question: are people who are afraid of clowns also afraid of the hosts on the E! channel? Because I have no problems with clowns, but those smiley bastards on E! scare the crap out of me.
 The hosts on E! smile enough to make milk curdle. Children will cry if you hold them up to Jules Asner's face, partly because she's had eight facelifts, and partly because she is a trained cyborg who eats children. If women watch E! before work in the morning, they may feel self-conscious while applying their makeup, fearful of looking like one of the scary clown ladies on E! I was watching the show "It's Good To Be . . ." with Brooke Burke hosting. Basically, a camera follows her as she shops. It was the most boring show I've ever watched in my entire life. It was like watching your high-maintenance girlfriend spend all your money, except in this case, my wasted money was in the form of the $45 I pay the cable company every month for crap like this. But perhaps the most frightening part of the show was Burke's scary clown lady smile. There was not a moment during the show when she wasn't smiling. Her smile was so big it curled up into the side of her face until she looked like a Shar-Pei dog. It's like she's mentally retarded or something. Is she able to not smile? Does she smile that big when she's taking a dump? What about when she's vomiting? What if someone murdered one of her kin? Would she still look like such a douche? I know there's some people who like to watch E!, but I have solid proof showing how much the channel sucks. Yes, reader, I applied the ultimate test to E! while watching it. I applied the "is it awesome while drunk?" test. I drank seven beers, downed two shots, and then watched the channel. And I still hated it! I once watched the Bill Bellamy movie "How to be a Player" under the same circumstances, and I loved it. A few days later I watched the movie again while sober, and it was the most painful 93 minutes of my life. Well, the most painful 93 minutes of my life until I watched the E! channel. This is the first time in history that a piece of entertainment has failed the "Is it awesome while drunk? test. "Bio-Dome" was funny while drunk. "Slam Dunk Ernest" was funny while drunk. "The Adventures of Milo & Otis" was freaking hilarious while drunk. But no matter what show I watched on E!, it just made me frightened and paranoid that evil clowns would peel my skin off while I slept.
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