Venting About Dentists

I'm attempting to make an appointment with the oral surgeon, so I can have all four of my wisdom teeth removed. Unfortunately, a "dentist" can't remove my teeth. That task has to be performed by an "oral surgeon", which is a great name for a porn star.

You see, I was hoping to strike a deal with the dentist and oral surgeon. I don't like dentist visits, never have. Even when they're just doing a general check-up, I despise having to hold my mouth open for 30 minutes while someone pokes my already bleeding gums with a sharp, pointy, hand-sized metal rod.

So I decided that if I'm going to get gassed–or whatever other inhumane and unapproved method they use to knock me out: laughing gas, narcotics, a savage beating–I might as well sign up for some sort of long-term plan. A "frequent gasser program", if you will.

This way, whenever I went for anything related to the dentist, even standard cleanings, I could just have them knock me out. I'd even have them gas me for the 10-minute consultations with the oral surgeon. Why? Well, when I go to the oral surgeon and explain that I only want one tooth removed, and he goes into a long speech regarding why I need all four teeth plus a testicle removed to ensure a healthier me, by the end of the conversation, I usually end up wishing I'd been gassed anyway.

So why not gas me? That way, the oral surgeon could drone on and on for as long as he likes, and I wouldn't have to listen to a word of it. The outcome ends up being the same anyway: I say "okay" and he buys another Ford Explorer to replace the one his daughter flipped last month.

"Oral surgeon", by the way, is still a great name for a porn star, despite your groans of disapproval the last time I made the joke. You groan in disapproval, but you're really just yearning to groan in pleasure. Pleasure delivered "oral surgeon" style (fade in obscure blues music with no lyrics).

Anyway, they don't allow "frequent gasser programs" at the dentist's office. Also, the oral surgeon can't fix cavities at the same time he's removing my wisdom teeth. Apparently, that's not his job. The dentist and the oral surgeon aren't even working for the same people. They just work together. So basically, there just happens to be two people in the same building milking me dry.

I'll show that oral surgeon, though. Right now, my teeth are pushed so tightly together that I have to floss with this "easy glide" stuff that doesn't shred. This fancy floss costs a dollar more than the regular stuff.

After my wisdom teeth are removed, I will no longer have to use the fancy floss. Therefore, in roughly 67 years, I will have saved enough money where the entire teeth-extracting service will have cost me virtually nothing.

That'll show that stupid oral surgeon. And when I do finally break even, I'm going to hike up the side of the cliff that the oral surgeon's mansion is on and tell him how I got the best of him.