What the hell is wrong with you?

Excuse me, did you just spill muffin crumbs on me? Muffin crumbs. Crumbs from your muffin. Did you just drop some on me? I felt something light and fluffy land on my shoulder, and lo and behold, I swiveled my head to find muffin crumbs. Your muffin crumbs.

No. No! No, these are from you! You're sitting there in your chair at work, eating a blueberry muffin and reading my website, and you spittled them all over me! My other readers aren't eating muffins! It's just you! You're the only muffin bitch on this whole goddamn website!

Why the fuck are you eating a muffin at work, anyway? Who the hell gave you the right to wake up later and eat breakfast at work? The nerve of people like you. I suppose your employer is also going to pay you for the hour you spend in the bathroom turding out sucrose. Have you no shame? I hope you squirt one out so loud that your co-workers mock you for months.

"Uggggh! Ugggggh! Hey look, I'm Gina the muffin eater from accounting! PPPTTTTHHHHHHH PPPTHHHHHHH! Groanin' in the bathroom! FAAAAAAARRRRRT!"

And why do you have to eat one of those big fucking muffins, huh? Why do you have to grab the biggest damn muffin you can buy? There are small muffins, reader. Bite-sized muffins. They fit in your mouth, so you don't cover people's websites in crap when the crumbs fall through your buck-teeth, you bitch. I hope that sugar-filled muffin clings to your colon and kills you! Kills you!

Here's an idea: eat at home. Have some Rice Chex. Maybe some toast and orange juice. My two bowls of Cap'n Crunch - which I make sure not to spew all over your website each morning - are ten times healthier than that muffin. Hell, put a fartload of blueberries in your stupid corn flakes for all I care. Just don't eat breakfast at work.

What? Yeah, I'm at work. Yeah, I'm writing this column instead of working. What's your point?

I'm sorry, reader. I shouldn't criticize your breakfast choices. But my coat is kinda new, and I bought it from Bachrach at the mall, so you know it was expensive. If your muffin chunks stain it, I would be very upset. Is that so wrong?

Well fuck you!

Fine! Leave! Fine, take my link off your website! Your friends are just a bunch of LiveJournal users anyway! They bitch and moan all damn day about how their life sucks and how they can't think of anything to post, and they start every goddamn post by apologizing for not posting in a while. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. This website's starting a revolution over here, baby! We're changing the world, one muffin slabbering buttpipe at a time! Viva la revolution! Mate a la perra del mollete!

Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1

arbitar@gmail.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   James Daniel Reid      Feb 4, 8287 • 11:59am   I have never read something so hilarious about a woman spilling muffin crumbs on the man. That muffin story is nothing but full of humor if you ask me. It\'s so funny that I decided to print it out Wednesday. homsar      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   this is one of the half-dozen or so ramblings that made me laugh until i had tears in my eyes. the muffin men      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   With granola bars? Adios, then. Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I believe it was something along the lines of \"Kill the muffin bitches\". the muffin men      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Thank you Paul. We\'ve been liberated! Now the world knows crumbiness is not our fault. But since I\'m a muffin, what\'s the bit at the end of your ramblings translate to be? Laura      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I must admit, there is just something about muffins that are inherently funny. Arbitar      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   \"That was the best extreme randomness I\'ve encountered in a while!\" Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   That was the best extreme randomness I\'ve encountered in a while! Viva la Ramblings!

page:   1