Things I will do to save money

This weekend I bought my brother's car for $3,000. The deal he gave me for the car was so generous that when my brother dies, not only will he get into heaven, but Jesus' girlfriend will give him a hummer at the pearly gates.

And you just know she's talented as hell at it, too. How could she not be? She's blowing the Savior.

But even though I got a great deal, this still leaves me with an empty bank account. I think I have roughly a dollar and 48 cents in there, which is enough to buy four city blocks worth of gasoline . . . if I were talented at driving a stick shift . . . which I'm not. Seriously, I'm as broke as MC Hammer the day after taxes are due. As a result, I have no choice but to cut costs in the expensive "Paul Ryan lifestyle" you've read about in magazines . . . if you count this as a magazine . . . which you don't.

Here's a few ways I plan to save money:

1. Switch to "used beer"
Fresh beer from the store can cost as much as $2 for a 40 oz. can of "Camo 24 XXXXX". That's expensive when you only have $1.48. The drunken college kids across the street from me seem to be wasted every night of the week, and you know they probably pass out and leave half-empty cans of beer. So every morning, I will go to their porch, collect the leftover beer, and put it in my fridge to get cool again.

This may sound extreme to you, reader, but when you're already drinking your own urine to cut down on the water bill, secondhand beer doesn't sound so gross.

2. No more using the bathroom
Each month, I receive a bill for water usage. But what if I were to stop showering and using the toilet? Well, then I'd be Ben Affleck, but I'd also have no water bill. This is where the ways of our ancestors come in handy. People always say times were better in the old days, and I'm willing to give chamber pots a try.

From now on, I will follow the Victorian-era style of sewage disposal. I will urinate and crap into a bucket, and when the bucket is full, I will dump it out the window. If the men of La Crosse are sophisticated, they will know it is proper for the woman to walk on the outside portion of the sidewalk, to avoid getting hit with fecal matter. I am not responsible for people who don't know Victorian-era courtship etiquette. Everyone says young people don't have any manners, so I'll be teaching them a crash course.

At the end of each month, when the sidewalk outside my apartment is littered with mounds of stinking feces, I will have saved roughly $20.

3. Old and busted: expensive supermarkets. New hotness: sod consumption
Cows eat grass from pastures to stay alive. Why can't humans? Shut up, Mister Scientist! I don't wanna hear it! If cows can get enough nutrients out of grass by eating it, vomiting it up so they can chew it some more, then so can I. Of course, all precautions will be taken. I will slowly wane myself onto a diet of grass by eating the growth off my Chia Tree. In due time, I will add a Chia Hippo to my diet. Come summertime, I will be able to roam the farming fields of Wisconsin, eating, barfing, and then eating my barf. All for free!

4. Whore myself out to Wal-Mart
Starting next Monday, the latest hot deals at Wal-Mart will be posted on my chest. I will go through every day of the cold midwestern winter topless, with no exceptions. Work, doctor appointments, high-society parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs, funerals, and trips to the salad bar at Country Kitchen will all be attended shirtless. The local gas station's "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy will be diligently tested. And each month, Wal-Mart will pay me four dollars, the same rate they pay their Malaysian sweatshop workers.

As has always been the case, the words "GoldenPalace.com" will remain tattooed on my ass cheeks.

5. Sue Emanuel Lewis for rape
He thought I was too drunk to remember. He was sorely mistaken.

6. Charge for unrequested public acts of comedy
I have my own website, which makes me a freakin' celebrity. Because of my celebrity status, I will now require payment from people around me when I perform comedic acts. If I fart on the bus, those sitting near me will be required to give me a quarter each. If they refuse, I will follow them home and harass them until they give me a quarter just to get rid of me.

If I belch loudly during Sunday mass, the pastor will be required to pay a lump sum for the entertainment of the entire congregation. If I get drunk and vomit on myself, the people surrounding my crumpled body to see if I am dead will each be charged a dollar and twelve cents. If I become so surly that a police officer must beat me with a rubber hose, each spectator will pay a portion of my bail. If I murder a teenager working at Abercrombie and Fitch at the mall, everyone in the country should send me a check for doing them a favor.

If all that fails, and I'm still unable to save up enough money for cocaine basic life necessities, then I can always sell my semen. Why would I wanna give plasma? You get stabbed with a needle and are paid $50 and a cookie. When you donate at the sperm bank, you get to orgasm and are paid hundreds of dollars.

Wish me luck, reader! Soon I'll be gettin' my fix! living comfortably and responsibly!

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Reader Comments

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Tony      Feb 23, 2005 • 10:25pm   I'm in the process of finalizing my mortgage. It is expensive and is a big god damn headache. It will also leave me broke. Pass the used beer. Froto Shaggins      Feb 23, 2005 • 5:35pm   Dear Mr. Ryan, Katers      Feb 23, 2005 • 4:42pm   Not going to lie, I felt a little sick as I was reading this particular column this morning and eating my bowl of Special K. Felt a little queasy. doug      Feb 23, 2005 • 12:42pm   You know your sewage bill is calculated by your water bill. So carry all your water from an outside source like the spigot behind your apartment and you'll be able to use water for free without any sewage cost. This will allow you to crap for free. For showers, steal the wet naps from the gas station and sponge bath every morning. You'll be left lemon scent fresh.

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