Letter column 38: Please stop e-mailing me about celebrities

It's time for a letters column, reader. I don't want to do one and I've been holding off on it as long as I can, but my inbox is getting full and the blatant stupidity of the 12-year-olds who e-mail me are bursting out the sides of my computer. To save my computer from destruction, I must release some of this stupidity on the rest of you.

Sorry.

Our first letter is from Angel in Greece. She's a big fan of the band Korn, and for some reason or another, my writing a column about how much they suck made her think I'm their tour manager. Let me be first to say . . . WTF?

hey man ..what'ts up?how can i chat for real with korn?i like them madly & i want to talk with them....can you help me please?you will make me very happy.

Beep beep! Here comes the disappointment bus! I don't know Korn personally. Why the hell would I? I don't like them. However, I do have a question. Can you really like someone madly? Wouldn't the "liking" somehow become love before hitting the "madly in like with them" stage?

Wait. Why the hell do I care? Let's move on.

The celebrity theme continues here at Daily Ramblings, as our next letter writer - Blake from Gastonia, NC (yes, that is a real city) - thinks I know Halle Berry. In fact, he seems to think I'm her agent. Perhaps he is smoking the same thing as Angel.

Hi Paul this is blake, I am in the 8th grade and I am doing a project on my favorite celebrity, which is Halle Berry. one of my questions is how much does Halle Berry get payed an hour. If you can not give this information out can you list some links about halle berry. If I could e-mail her that would be really great. thank-you for your time please help me.

Oh, sure thing Blake. Just let me get my little black address book and I'll . . . holy crap. You'll never believe this, but . . . but . . . I don't have Halle Berry's e-mail address. Unbelievable. I thought for sure I'd have it. I also don't have a list of her latest salary demands. But I have this friend who has links to Halle Berry information. His name is GOOGLE.

Our next letter is from Carly in the UK. Her celebrity of choice to e-mail me about, despite the fact that I know nothing about that celebrity, is Avril Lavigne. But hey, this letter allowed me to learn something new about Avril. Did you know she's letting "boys put there dicks inside her"? Neither did I! That's awesome, man!

i think pual that avril lavin sholud not be a singer because she used to be a reporter and she could be scaming you and also i now she is doing modaling and she is leting boys put there dicks inside her funny and bum witch i think is descasting

Congratulations, Carly. You are the first person to e-mail me and spell every single word of your e-mail wrong. You deserve a fucking trophy. But if you're looking for Pual, then you've got the wrong guy. I'm Paul. Pual is my twin brother.

Our final letter has nothing to do with celebrities, but it does involve a complete stranger who e-mailed me something embarrassing by accident. Calm down, reader! It's nothing Paris Hilton-like. Her name's Whitney, and I don't know where she's from. But after reading this e-mail, I kinda wish I did know where she lives.

hi everyone about friday i appologize for my actions! honestly if you guys feel like telling people that im a slut or whatever thats your decsion but what i am trying to say is that i wish that i could take back the hot tube thing! As it turns out i cannot. Im sorry about everything that happened! i just hope that you dont and i would be so happy that you guys dont tell people, but like i said its your decsions and srry about everything!

Oh, I'm telling people, Whitney. I'm telling everybody! EVERYONE HEAR ME NOW! WHITNEY WAS A SLUT IN THE HOT TUBE! Or possibly the hot tub. At least I hope it was the hot tub, because "hot tube" sounds gross.

That's all, reader. Want more stupidity and arrogance? Try reading the comments section of this Crapalog entry. Some Minnesota girl was on a modeling reality show where girls compete for a Sports Illustrated shoot, and a local newspaper ran an article about her. She was extremely arrogant in the article, so I called her on it and ripped her a new one. This week she found my blog entry and now she's pissed and posting angry comments. And true to my nature, I'm egging her on. It's hilarious.

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Reader Comments

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JohnnyAwesome1@hotmail.com                             Paul Ryan      Feb 27, 2005 • 7:14am   Have you had sex with the lawyer for the Olsen Twins yet? I know a few months back they were trying to fuck you really hard. Johnny Awesome      Feb 26, 2005 • 2:10am   I totally know all kinds of celebrities! So send me your emails. Chelsea      Feb 25, 2005 • 7:46pm   Okay, I am going to sound like a total freak, but Paul, I saw someone exactly like you on TV this morning! Chelsea      Feb 25, 2005 • 5:28pm   HAHA! Hot Tube...interesting!

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