Those of you who have been longtime fans of this website know I really like writing comedy skits, which is why I sometimes write these columns as if they were scripts for a comedy troupe to perform. Well, today I just cut the crap and outright wrote a skit. Enjoy.
(Lights up)
The setting is a waiting room for auditioning actors. There's a receptionist at her desk, stage right, and two men sitting in chairs, stage left, going over their lines. There is an empty chair between the two men, and three more empty chairs perpendicular to them.
The door opens and a naked man walks in. The clothed men are buried in their scripts studying their lines, and don't notice him at first.
NAKED MAN 1: (to receptionist) Hi, I'm here for the audition.
RECEPTIONIST: (without batting an eye) Here's your script. Have a seat.
The naked man sits on the chair between them. Clothed Man 1, on the naked man's left, looks over but quickly looks away again. He is in shock. After a few moments, Clothed Man 2 looks over and open his mouth as if to speak, but once he sees the man is naked, his jaw hangs open and no words come out. He quickly turns away.
An awkward silence ensues. The naked man is oblivious to their shock, and just studies his lines. Each clothed man seems to want to look over at the other clothed man to see if their reaction is the same, but they're afraid the naked man will notice and take offense. Every so often, the naked man will look over and almost catch them. Finally, one of the clothed men speak.
CLOTHED MAN 2: (to naked man) Um . . . are you auditioning for Three Men and a Little Mensch?
NAKED MAN 1: Yes, you?
CLOTHED MAN 2: (perplexed) yeah, same one . . .
NAKED MAN 1: Weird title. What did the writer do, just look up the first Jewish word he could find and throw it in there? Ha ha ha ha!
The naked man laughs hard enough to cause jiggling, which freaks out both the clothed men even more. Clothed Man 1 uses his right hand to shield his view of naked man, slowly turning away from him and toward the audience. He looks as if he's going to vomit. Clothed Man 2, in shock, just stares at the naked man with wide eyes, unable to look away. The naked man looks over and notices his staring. An awkward few seconds pass.
NAKED MAN 1: What's the matter?
CLOTHED MAN 2: (embarrassed, quickly looking away) I . . . um, I don't know . . . I've seen a lot of weird . . . things . . . uh . . .
Another short, awkward silence ensues. The door opens and a third clothed man enters.
CLOTHED MAN 3: Hi, I'm here to audition for (sees naked man) SWEET JESUS.
RECEPTIONIST: Wrong room. This is the Mensch auditions. Three Men and a Little Apostle is down the hall.
CLOTHED MAN 3:(trying to recover his professionalism) No, no . . . I'm in the right place. I'm in the right place.
Clothed Man 3 takes a script from the receptionist and sits down.
CLOTHED MAN 3: Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, but what part are you auditioning for?
NAKED MAN 1: Rabbi Brooks. You?
CLOTHED MAN 3: Same part . . .
All three men are dumbfounded as to why this man showed up naked for his audition. After a few moments, the door opens and a second naked man enters.
NAKED MAN 2: Hi, I'm here for the Rabbi Brooks audition.
The three clothed men exchange wild, shocked looks. The receptionist hands Naked Man 2 a script. He sits down.
CLOTHED MAN 3: (to Naked Man 2) Do . . . do you two know each other?
NAKED MAN 2: Who?
Clothed Man 3 points to the Naked Man 1.
NAKED MAN 2: No.
NAKED MAN 1: I don't know anyone here. I'm pretty new in town.
The door opens, and a third naked man walks in.
NAKED MAN 3: Hi, I'm here to audition.
The receptionist hands him a script, and he sits down. The three naked men quietly study their lines. The three clothed men and just astounded. They look at each other, seemingly in search of an explanation.
CLOTHED MAN 2: (to receptionist) Is there a bathroom here?
RECEPTIONIST: To your right.
Clothed Man 2 walks into the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out. He is completely naked, and sets his clothes near the wall before sheepishly walking over and sitting down in his chair again. He stares straight ahead, afraid of the reaction. The other two clothed men are freaking out, mouthing the words "What are you doing?" to him. Clothed Man 1 shrugs and mouths the words "they're naked" back while pointing at the naked men. The naked men are oblivious to this, and are busy studying their scripts.
The phone rings, and the receptionist picks it up.
RECEPTIONIST: Hello? Okay, thank you. We'll be ready for you. (hangs up) Guys? The casting director is downstairs. He'll be up here in about 30 seconds to audition you.
Both clothed men look at each for a moment, then in a panic begin stripping off their own clothes and shoving them under their chairs. Just as they finish, the door opens and the casting director walks in.
CASTING DIRECTOR: Hi, sorry I'm late. Let's get . . . (notices all the men are naked) Why in God's name are you all naked?!? Put some damn clothes on!
(Lights down)
