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Get your NCAA tournament swerve on

original print date, March 16 2005

                Paul Ryan

I hate basketball. I know nothing about it, never watch it, have never played on a team, and really can't stand the sport. Regardless, I will be glued to the TV for the next few weeks watching the NCAA Final Four tournament.

Why? Because I'm betting on the tournament, and the people in my NCAA pool are quite possibly the coolest ever. Let me ask you this, reader. Is your NCAA pool filled with mustachioed men? What about Germans? Does your pool have a substantial amount of authentic Germans? Any mustachioed Germans? How about mustachioed Germans wearing pointy hats?

Everyone in my NCAA pool is a mustachioed German wearing a pointy hat. Well, except me. But if I could find a pointy hat, and if I had gone through puberty and were able to actually grow a mustache, you'd better believe I'd be just like them. Except not German. Look, the fact remains that there are four pointy-hatted mustachioed Germans in my NCAA pool, and they don't speak a single damn word of English.

Beat that, bitches!

Meet Arno, Benno, Bernd, and Hans. They are members of my NCAA pool. All of them are German, and have mustaches and pointy hats. None of them understand the writing on the tournament brackets sheet I gave them, but they want to win American dollars so they can buy "schmutzige amerikanische Pornographie" (translate).

Over the next few weeks, I will keep you updated on who is winning. Why? Because I truly have nothing better to do with my sad little life than upkeep a fictional NCAA pool using pictures of Germans who will send me angry German e-mails when they notice I have stolen their photos off their website.

But hey, here's our NCAA pics. I think you'll find it to be a daunting competition. Perhaps you could pick your favorite German and root for them. Well, your favorite German of those four guys. We can't very well find out Sigmund Freud's NCAA pics. He'd probably just draw little penises all over the tournament brackets sheet anyway. I heard he'd do that with the basketball game programs at Vienna University while watching the games. He was a season ticketholder, y'know.

Wait. Was Freud even German? I don't remember him being German. What? He was born in the Czech Republic?? DAMN YOU INTERNET! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!

On a similar note, I can't believe this website doesn't mention Hitler on its list of famous Germans. Where's the love?

View Paul's picks

View Hans' picks

View Benno's picks

View Bernd's picks

View Arno's picks




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