Reader, have I ever told you how great you are? No, really! I mean it. You're fantastic. If you weren't so hard on the eyes, I'd plaster this website with your picture. But that personality of yours! It's . . . great? Yes! Great! If I could pick one reader to rule the world, it would be you.
What? No, no particular reason for saying that. It was just an example.
You've just got that special something, reader. Your mustache is well-groomed, your collar is properly starched, and your hair has a fresh coat of pomade at all times. You should live in a palace, and when you travel, you should have a special vehicle with bullet-proof glass that not only protects you, but allows you to wave to people and bring them joy.
Huh? What do you mean? What makes you think I'm dropping hints? I'm just letting the thoughts flow, baby. Nothing being said is pre-planned.
Wow. I just look at you, and it's like I'm looking at an orgy of talent. An orgy of it! A squirming, moaning, splooging, oops-I-got-it-in-your-hair orgy of talent.Y'know, the only thing that could improve you, aside from shaving your back and shoulders, is a cool nickname. But what nickname would fit you? Puddlepants? No. T-bone? No. Drippy Pete? No. Suds? No. Flounder? No. Maybe. Or not. Hmmm. How about . . . pontiff?
What? I think it's a lovely nickname. You don't have to be rude. Pontiff can mean a lot of things, not just "pope". For instance, did you know that Webster's dictionary defines a "pontiff" as "one who grooms poodles for breeding"?
Okay, fine! I made it up! Let's cut to the damn chase, then. You want to know what I'm hinting at? It's certainly not worth all this fuss you're making. I just want you to be the next freakin' pope, that's all.
I mean, Jesus Christ, man.
You'd be perfect, reader. You'd be the best goddamn pope to ever sit upon the . . . um . . . pope seat thingy. You could encourage the use of birth control, and tell churches to accept gays, and use your Jesusy powers to castrate child-molesting priests.
It would be a piece of cake. I mean, really, when was the last time you saw the pope pushing papers on a desk? As long as you make an announcement once every 10 years, people will think you're kicking ass.
And you'd get a staff, reader! Just like Gandalf! Wheeeeeeeee!
Oh, come on. God is calling for your service, reader. Yes He is. You don't hear Him? Seriously? Ugh. Drink this and thentell me you don't hear him.
Oh, man! You knocked it on the floor, you dick. There was $300 worth of GHB and Ketamine in that drink. Talk about ungrateful. If you're going to be the next pope, you'd better learn to be more docile.
But if you don't want to be the pope, that's fine. You can deprive the world of its Pope Love™. Which would be a great name for a Pope Rap Video™, by the way. I guess you're giving up all that, though. You're too pompous to be the next pope. I'll stand by your decision. I won't sit here and try to tell you that you're going to hell for not being the pope.
But you are.
