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Paul Ryan Contractors, Inc.

original print date, April 25 2005

                Paul Ryan

When you use Paul Ryan Contractors, Inc, we'll build you a home for $10,000. Our legal department doesn't allow us to describe the quality of your new home, whether or not insurance companies will ensure it, or whether or not the electricity and plumbing will be "real" or "just pretend", but you'll get a home. You'll get a home and you'll like it, damn it.

In fact, that's our motto!

We have years a lot of experience with construction stuff, and we'll even supply 45 percent of the tools needed to build your new house. Just pay us $10,000 cash, and we'll have your new home ready at some undetermined point in the future. Sure, you've heard some people complain that we don't work in rain, cold weather, or overly sunny conditions, but we're non-union, and that's where your savings come from, so shut up and pay us to build you a house.

Just look at all our happy customers:

Todd and Mary Fullsome, York Beach, ME

"We asked for a home on our beachfront property, and Paul Ryan delivered! Of course, it was a bit of a shame that he didn't understand the concept of leveling the grade of the land, but it was only $10,000. We're going to pay him another $10,000 to build an identical house right next to it. With luck, the two lopsided, poorly-constructed homes will hold each other up."

Wayne Thurston, Long Beach, CA

"I wanted a place that would impress the chicks. What could be more impressive than a house that's not just by the surf, but above the surf! Granted, it's not safe for anyone to actually enter the house, but as Paul said, porking on the beach is one trend that will never go out of style! Plus, this will discourage visits from relatives."

Frank and Connie Boslow, Aspen, CO

"If you daughter is an ex-girlfriend of Paul's, do not, I repeat, do not let this childish man build your house. You will regret it."

Clancy Weedledurn, Tullahoma, TN

"Our house done look like all the rest of them purty rich folk houses in Tennessee! I'm a-gonna live there with mah sister/aunt/wife Bertri! Hyuck!"

Nancy Wilson, Bismarck, ND

"Paul Ryan mixed rocks and dirt with a large mound of wet cement, and then smooshed a sign into the front that said, 'Nancy's Great Home'. I gave him a lot of money. I do not understand why he did this."

Our customers don't lie. We're the best friggin' construction company on earth. We make the guy who built the Sears Tower look like a chronic bedwetter. We make the Great Wall of China look like ghetto fencing. We make the Taj Mahal look like a smelly, dirty toilet. We make Stonehenge and the Leaning Tower of Pisa look . . . well, rather normal, to be honest.

Pay now, and if you're lucky, in a few months we'll get around to discussing your new house. Then, a few months later, we'll spend whatever money we haven't used on drugs (usually around $200) on waterlogged wood from junkyards. Then it's only a few years until your beautiful new home is finished. Pay now! Pay now! Pay now before the drugs kill us, you fool!


(Hand chosen by Paul)
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