'Free Vial Of Crack' Promotion

Oh, I shouldn't do this, should I? Do you really deserve it? Of course you do. You're one of thousands* of readers of this column. You come here every day**, read my column***, and enjoy it thoroughly****.

*Actually, you're only one of ten.
**Actually, you probably only come here once a week, scan the columns for pornography of some sort, and then leave.
***Actually, I'm really not sure if any of you can read.
****No one enjoys this column thoroughly.

So here goes: a free vial of crack will go to the ninth person who e-mails me. For those who fear I'll call rat them out to the cops after a savage beating, you can feel free to use the e-mail form and keep your e-mail address anonymous.

So what brought this promotion on? Well, I've realized that to get visitors to this site and keep them here, I have to deliver dazzling prizes that every average Tom, Harry Dick and Yolanda will be attracted to. I decided I'd do something similar to a radio promotion I had heard both in Duluth, Minn. and La Crosse, Wis., where they gave away free cases of beer on Fridays.

I'm doing them one better, though. The beer these hack stations are giving away is cheap and crappy, but the vial of crack I'm supplying one lucky reader with is spectacular and sure to be laced with other, much more interesting–and possibly deadly–drugs. It's perfect for anyone, and can be taken in a variety of ways.

You can snort it, inject it, or even shove it up your pooper with a spork. Personally, I like to sprinkle a little of it on my breakfast cereal. Wheat Bran never tasted so much like . . . well, like crack.

But before we continue, reader, I have a question for you: why are you reading this column?!? Why aren't you vying for your chance at a real live vial of crack.?!?

It's not like it's hard. All you have to do is send me an e-mail with your name and one of the following words or phrases in the message area: "Crack" , "Craaaaaaaaaaaack", "Gimme some crack, Paul", "Gimme some craaaaaaaaaaaack, Paul", or "Darryl Strawberry". No gimmick, no catch. Just sweet, glorious crack cocaine sent to you via my errand boy, Rodriguez.

Rodriguez will bring it to you fast. Rodriguez will present it to you in a courteous manner. Rodriguez will make sure none of it is missing, or I will break his spine with my clock radio. IsnÕt that right, Rodriguez?

"Si senor."

And after he's done delivering it, he'll return here to run more errands for me, unlike the runner for 92.1 KISS in Duluth, Minn., who will mingle about your yard, picking through your garbage cans and building a shanty behind your garage while you sleep.

What's the secret ingredient in runner Rodriguez? Well, I'll tell you. Rodriguez is an upscale drug dealer from San Francisco. He was shot six times in the right eye, which is why he could no longer uphold his high-ranking drug cartel position. So now Rodriguez uses his superior skills as the official PSHFP Hardcore Drug Runner.

"Superior? Mucho cerveza."

He's a smart one, too. YES RODRIGUEZ! LOTS OF BEER IN SUPERIOR! LOTS OF WHORES AS WELL!

"Stargate es el Diablo."

I agree. But enough of these inside jokes about Superior, Wis., and the plethora of oozing, puss-filled STD's found at Stargate nightclub. Let's end the column already, so you can get started e-mailing me.

Use my easy and fun form to send me an e-mail. If you're the ninth e-mailer, you win the vial of crack. The winner will also get to meet Rodriguez, who, much like Sammy Davis Jr., is blind in his right eye. And that's all for today. Have a happy and (hopefully) crack-filled Friday.