I hate how people look when they're singing. I can't stand it. There is nothing more unattractive than people opening their mouths as wide as possible. I've worked as a reporter and photographer for the past three years, and taken hundreds of pictures at choir concerts, and I cringe every time I look at the results.
Oh, look. Here's someone with their mouth open. And hey, look at that one! It's another person with their mouth open. What a wonderful moment to photograph! A child staring blankly into space, looking as though a well-thrown piece of pie could hit the back of their tonsils without touching their lips.
I'm probably one of the only people in the country who doesn't watch "American Idol". I'd love to join in the fun, but I can't watch it. I just can't. How can our citizens stand it, with all those bastards sitting there with their mouths hanging open? It's just horrible. Just horrible. Sixty percent of the footage for each show is people with open mouths, screaming as if a tick were burrowing into their groin.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the singing, I appreciate the music, and I recognize it's dedication and effort that leads to the strained, constipated expressions on singers' faces. But that doesn't make it attractive.
Let me tell you a little story, reader. A little story about the Korean War. Do you know what would have happened if our soldiers in Korean had kept their mouths open that long? A deadly spider would have jumped in their mouths. And then, after the poison killed them dead, their corpses would have been eaten by warthogs. Filthy, snout-nosed little warthogs.
I wish I could change. I wish I could erase this fear, but it's just a part of me. Some people are annoyed by fingernails scratching chalkboards, others by loud gum chewing, and others still by Finnish immigrants. My mother is annoyed when my father farts under the covers and then fans the sheets up and down, forcing the odor towards her face. I, on the other hand, am annoyed by people who sing old crappy showtunes and outdated easy listening songs while looking like their irritable bowel syndrome is firing up.
That's right, I said it. All that stuff those American Idol contestants are singing is filed under easy listening. DEAL WITH THAT, YOU FILTHY BASTARDS!
Wait, hold on. This hostility has to stop. The parade of open mouths on FOX are making me hysterical. The stress is causing my nerves to break like Nicole Richie's ankle when the wind blows too strongly. This has to be dealt with using peace and tranquility.
CLOSE YOUR MOUTHS!
Calm down, Paul! Get ahold of yourself. Breathe deeply, count to ten and back down again. Hum lightly until the anger dissipates. Yes . . .
YOU'RE GOING TO SWALLOW A FLY IF YOU DON'T CLOSE YOUR FREAKING MOUTH!
Okay, okay. Let's be calm. I'm sure the FOX executives remove all bugs from the stage before performances. I'm sure they ran pilot episodes of the show where singers swallowing flies were a problem, and I'm sure they fixed it.
Let's go to a happy place. It's 9:13 pm on Sunday night. Maybe it's time for bed? Yes, that sounds nice. It's a little early, but Mr. Nyquil will help us get sleepy, won't he? Yes he will. Yes he will!
*Slurp*
Maybe when I . . . in the morning . . . the . . . kangaroo . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
