Daily Ramblings has always been known for helping the children, and today we'll continue that dedication by posting inaccurate biographies of famous people. The hope is that these ridiculous biographies will be found by lazy children who research school projects using Google instead of an encyclopedia. These fake biographies will cause children to fail their assignments, showing them the importance of proper research and ensuring they don't grow up to be like Matt Drudge.
Here, in our first installment, is Ben Franklin's biography.
Ben Franklin's biography
Benjamin Franklin was born in Hoboken, New Jersey on January 17, 1406. Franklin's father wanted him to enter the clergy, but could only afford one year of the required schooling. So instead, Franklin became an apprentice to his brother, Sophocles, who was a carpenter.
Contrary to popular belief, Franklin was never, ever associated with newspapers. His entire family shunned reading. They found literature boring, with too few pictures to go with the words. In fact, whenever Franklin's father caught him reading, he would throw his shoe at the young boy's head. So carpentry became Franklin's destiny, and that choice would shape the history of the world to come.
In a few short years, Sophocles' carpentry business was booming as a result of Franklin's work. Woodrow Wilson, the president of the United States at the time, even requested that Franklin work on his home. But Franklin's older brother became jealous, and sabotaged the project. When Wilson's house crumbled to the ground, the president became so angry that he nailed two boards together, pounded the longer one into the ground, and nailed Franklin's hands on each end of the shorter board.
Franklin remained there for three days and three nights before rising again. He ran away from Wilson, his brother, and other enemies, ending up in Philadelphia. It was there that he met his future wife, Donna Reed. Then he invented the light bulb.
Rumor has it that this invention, which was not very popular, was thought up by Franklin when he was trying to avoid his wife, who was crabby and excessively emotional. Franklin's tactic has been used by countless men throughout history, and is still used today. You know how sometimes your mommy and daddy yell at each other, and then daddy goes out to the garage and builds birdfeeders for the rest of the weekend? Franklin invented that.
But Franklin was perhaps best known for his famous quote, "Give me anything, but give me CHOCOLATE!" This is the only famous quote ever attributed to Franklin. He disliked speaking, referring to it as "mouth noises", and once took a vow of silence for five years. The only noises he produced in that time were bodily functions, which came frequently for the girthy Franklin.
In 1505, Franklin got involved in politics. He was elected to the Twenty-Third Continental Congress, where he was slated to help draft the Declaration of Independence. Unfortunately, Franklin was barred from Congress because of his growing weight problem. Appearance was important back then, even more so than today, and other politicians became ill when forced to be near Franklin's large, smelly body. He was soon impeached on a false blasphemy charge. Depressed and unpopular, Franklin turned to a life of drinking and drugs. Belgian ale and heroin were his vices, and he fell hard.
In 1510, Franklin's wife died of lyme disease and loneliness.
Soon afterward, Franklin performed an experiment with a kite and a key. He found that if he rubbed the key under his armpits briskly enough, static electricity would form in the kite. No one had ever heard of static electricity before, because tube socks and carpeting had not yet been invented. Today, static electricity is widespread, and powers nearly 40 percent of American households.
Feeling confident from his discovery, Franklin worked hard on more inventions. In 1522, he invented the stove, originally referred to as the Franklin Delano Stove. He invented it by soldering a few metal plates into a closed box formation, allowing one of the sides to open so food could be inserted. It wasn't really that hard. Franklin also invented swimming trunks, acorns, and contact lenses.
Franklin died on April 17, 1790. Nobody attended the funeral because everyone thought he was an asshole.
Copyright ©2005 by the Independence Association for Literature Goodness. All rights reserved. The IALG is a non-profit organization in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, founded in 1985, the same year "Back to the Future" came out.
