Free Stickers For All

Let me start this column off on a tangent: can I say something? I was listening to Rick Dees and the weekly top 40 on Sunday, and I had a question. Doesn’t Shakira sound like a muppet when she’s singing? I swear, if Kermit the Frog was singing “Underneath Your Clothes”, you’d never be able to tell the difference. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

You have to love the weekly top 40. It’s nothing but a bunch of songs that were cool six months ago. I’m sure all your mothers think it’s the latest, craziest thing.

Point of information: “Can I say something” is a line Jon Stewart of “The Daily Show” always starts jokes with. I feel so privileged to finally be able to rip off somebody who’s talented for once.

But let’s get away from that. Let’s get on to the shameless self-promotion. Yes, I’ve devised another plan to direct people to this website. Legitimate advertising? Oh, dear God, no. I couldn’t possibly do that.

No, last night I went to nearly every bar in La Crosse. I wasn’t there to drink; in fact, I didn’t have a single drink at all. Didn’t spend a dime. I just went around posting Dailyramblings.com stickers in bathrooms.

And believe it or not, a few new people came to the site on Sunday. All because I’m broke as a joke.

I’d like to spread these stickers around as much as possible, so I’ll now offer them to anyone who wants them, free of charge. Want to see the sticker? Here’s what it looks like:

The picture on the sticker is of Uncle Phil (see column 32). If you don’t like this sticker, feel free to pass along an idea for a different sticker to me.

You can put these free stickers wherever you want: a bulletin area at your school, a random light pole on the street corner where you sell yourself, on road signs, inside a bar or club, or anywhere else you get the notion. You can also put them on your own stuff. It’s up to you. Just don’t stick them in your ass (see column 59).

All you have to do is let me know you want stickers, and I’ll send you some. You can use my quick and easy sticker request form.

Once you get the stickers, pass some on to your friends. How might you do this? Here’s an example of how:

You: “Hey, here’s a sticker.”

Friend: “Sticker? I don’t want a f***ing sticker.”

You: “Well, how about I castrate you with this carving knife instead?”

Friend: “Perhaps I would like a sticker.”

You: “Perhaps you’d like two.”

See how easy that is? You could also use a modified version of that example to rob a convenience store. Just replace the “sticker” parts with “Gimme all your f***ing money.”

Remember, if you use this tutorial for a robbery, I get a cut of the payoff.

Here’s a form of persuasion that the ladies can use when giving away these stickers:

Female fan of Dailyramblings: “Hey, here’s a sticker.”

Random Stranger: “Sticker? I don’t want a f***ing sticker.”

Female fan of Dailyramblings: “What if I give you head?”

Random Stranger: “Perhaps I would like a sticker.”

Female fan of Dailyramblings: “Perhaps all your friends would like stickers too. I’ve got all day.”

You see? It’s so easy. You just have to be a carefree and adventurous human being. And much like the other example, this one can also be tailored for use with cleaning out the cash register at a convenience store. But remember that, once again, I get a cut.

What an easy way to help. I can’t understand how any woman would be opposed to this flawless and spectacular idea.