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Hey, look at me! I'm holding one of these beer thingies!

original print date, May 27 2005

     
                Paul Ryan


Hello, my name is Dick Willingston, and I am a man in a suit pretending to like beer.

Just look at me. Do you think I really like beer? When you drink beer, do you dress up in a fancy suit to do it? I'm ridiculous. Look at how awkwardly I'm holding this beer. Do you see my uncomfortable expression, the careful sissy girl way I'm holding my beer, and how I obviously have no idea what to do with my other hand besides place it unnaturally on the table in a Bob Dole style claw?

My goodness, I'm more wooden than the table and chairs. Even my tie is ridiculous. The little upside-down "v" under the knot is so perfect that it looks like I wore the suit out of the store and had the closeted gay salesman tie the knot for me.

Which I did. But I did not kiss him. I do not kiss men. Studies show that 52% of you do not like men who kiss other men.

Why am I telling you this? I want to be honest with you, friend. I'm Dick Willingston, and I want to be your pal. Remember when you were in elementary school, and the principal explained how he was a principal, and therefore capable of being your pal? I'm like that, except I am not a principal, and I really have no interest in spending time with you. I just want you to like me.

That's why I'm holding this beer. You like beer, or at least studies show that you do, and even though I'm holding this beer as if it were a cup of yeast extracted from a pregnant woman, studies show that you'll like me 42% better for pretending I'm going to drink it.

Hola, amigo. I'm Dick Willingston, and today I am 42% more your friend.

But remember, if you are a man, do not try to kiss me. It would erase our 42% and replace it with negative-10%. That would be terrible indeed.

Heh, heh. "Amigo." The kids like that word. That's why I used it just now. I read a report on children just yesterday, and it said all the kids find Mexicans, as well as their language, to be very likable. That's why I had my wife, Janice, look up the words "hello" and "friend" in a Spanish dictionary. It's also why I've hired illegal Mexicans to clean my house each weekend when I'm away at the cabin. Every Sunday, I return and pay them with handfuls of sunflower seeds.

Hello, friend. I'm Dick Willingston, and today your children adore me 62% more than Jesus, because Jesus didn't know how to say hello in Spanish like Mexican gangsters on Music TeleVision. Or at least I don't think he did. I'll have Janice read the Bible and tell me whether Jesus says "hola" or "amigo" in it.

So why is a man in a suit like me trying to be your friend? Don't worry. I'm not trying to sell you a product. I'm not some boogeysalesman, here to trick you into liking me so you'll buy more beer or Spanish dictionaries. Heh heh. I'm not one of those telemarketers. Do you ever notice how they always call during dinner? Heh heh. No, I'm Dick Willingston, and I want to show you a very lovely house. As a realtor, I could sell this lovely house to anyone, but I want to sell it to you, friend.

And why wouldn't you want to buy it? I'm your friend! We both enjoy beer liquids, and your children adore me and my clever Spanish greetings. I am like an uncle to them. An uncle who stays far, far away from them and refuses to remember their birthdays.

Please don't bring your children when you come to see the house.

I'm Dick Willingston, and my phone number is (715) 394-8230. Perhaps after we arrange the down payment for your lovely new house, we can never speak to each other again, and I can enjoy my commission while disacknowledging ever having met you. I'd like that a lot, friend.


                           



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 Reader Comments
page:   1
mom     May 31, 2005 • 11:12pm  
Did anyone besides me notice this column is dated May 2? I say give the guy a break. He's wrinkled and old and sells real estate.Look at his eyes-my God!
lisa     May 31, 2005 • 12:20am  
now the "sissy girl" way he holds his beer is perfectly acceptable among women, of whom you apparently know not one! such bravado from such a waste of wit --why is there viagra on wednesday?
Raymond     May 30, 2005 • 1:37pm  
Are we having a bad day? Why would we call the University of Wisconsin?
David Shor     May 29, 2005 • 6:04pm  
Isnt that the prime minister of germany?
Cholly     May 29, 2005 • 6:37am  
Knocking back to 3 days a week has increased your funny quotient. Mebbe that's what Dave Barry should have done...
litcrzy     May 28, 2005 • 6:22am  
:lol what did he do to you
Mike     May 28, 2005 • 1:11am  
That guy reminds me of my fucking landlord.
zam     May 27, 2005 • 3:25pm  
whose phone # is that?
page:   1



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