I know I promised not to reveal this information until he was dead, but times have changed, my friend. Where once I feared that Nixon's cronies would murder the Watergate informant, that doesn't seem true anymore. Nixon is deader than his political career, and I feel safe divulging this information.
Comedian Howie Mandel is "Deep Throat".
Yes, you can tell people. Don't be afraid. I don't mind, and neither does Howie Mandel. While I still fear somewhat for his safety, it's more important for him to be commended for his dedication to our country.
President Bush gave the head of the CIA a freaking medal. Howie "Deep Throat, Not The Movie Or Sexual Act" Mandel deserves one, too. Back in a time when most people were children, unable to stand up to the evil forces of Nixon, Howie Mandel was a man. Howie Mandel ingled until the our fine nation climaxed, bringing forth an Orgasm of Truth, a money shot of sweet, creamy justice. Howie Mandel was a shining beacon in the night, masturbating the nation's courage until honor and glorious glory was ejaculated onto every American citizen.
Bob Woodward, who I visited at the Washington Post, confirmed this. Carl Bernstein, who I found sucking dicks for bus fare behind a New Jersey Wendy's restaurant, also confirmed my claim.
But how could this be? How could the man who once grew a mustache on the side of his face be "Deep Throat"? How could a man who smiles so big that it frightens children and causes ulcers in the elderly, be a hero? How could a man who had absolutely no connection with the Nixon presidency, and was only in his early-20s in 1974, have any knowledge of Nixon's wrongdoings?
My answer is simple: I don't know. But if you have a better idea of who "Deep Throat" is, I challenge you to present it. W. Mark Felt? Ha! That guy's so senile, he thinks he's The Green Lantern half the damn time. John Dean? Too obvious. G. Gordon Liddy? Too evil. Spiro Agnew? John Mitchell? Too dead. They're either burning in hell or eating urine-flavored poop in purgatory. Howard Hunt? H.R. Haldeman? John Ehrlichman? They went to prison for the crime, for chrissakes! Word has it they found their soulmates in the prison system, if by "soulmates" you mean "rapists specializing in sodomy".
What about Ron Zeigler? Nope. Chronic masturbator. Couldn't have been trusted. Fred F. Fielding? Too fat. Couldn't have been trusted. Pat Buchanan? Nobody trusts Pat Buchanan. Not even Pat Buchanan trusts Pat Buchanan. Diane Sawyer? Nixon would never tell political secrets to someone he was having sex with. Henry Peterson? Charles Bates? L. Patrick Gray? Robert Kunkel? Cord Meyer? Raymond Price? Stephen Bull? Lowell Weicker? Impossible. All of them were having sex with Nixon as well.
But here's a little tidbit about Howie Mandel: Not having sex with Nixon. At least not now that Nixon is dead. But multiple DNA tests were taken from Howie Mandel's anus in the 1970s, and results for Nixon semen came up negative. The tests are on record at the University of Pugent Sound in Hoboken, NJ, if you would like to peruse them.
Trust me, reader. The media has this all wrong. W. Mark Felt is a crazy old man who paid The Washington Post off so he could get felt up all proper-like before he dies. Howie Mandel is the true hero. Howie Mandel is the monkey that was let out of its cage, and God bless that monkey, even if he has spent the last 30 years throwing his own feces at us.
