Holy crap, what day is it? Friday? Shit. It's column day. I hate column day. It means I have to . . . um . . . write a column.
Okay, um, how about a letters column? I have plenty of e-mails from douchebags lovable readers like you. How about we start out with a creepy letter? Creepy letters are fun! This one is from Keith in Rome, TX, who is referring to this column. Which was creepy on my part. Oh well.
hi, i was doing a search of pics of one of my favourite (and sexiest) gymnasts Dominique Moceanu. i saw in one of your blogs that you were making some pics of Dominique. do you still have them. if so, can you e-mail them to me? i'm setting up a best of dvd collection of just her.
Sigh. Every time I jokingly pretend to be a freak or pervert, the real freaks and perverts come out of the woodwork and creep me out. I don't even wanna see this "best of dvd". If somebody's gonna take me down, it's not going to be Pete Townshend style. Where's those pedophile-hunting cops when you need them? They're probably all on Yahoo Chat.
Also, I should note that Keith is the first Texan I've ever heard of who has spelled the word "favourite" like a Canadian.
How about a letter from a religious fundamentalist? Oh, c'mon. They're rare, and much more fun than boring old sensible religious people. When I posted the contents of Paris Hilton's phonebook on the Crapalog blog, I included my own name and e-mail address as a joke. A few weeks later, EriK from CA sent this e-mail to me and all the celebrities on the list:
Just believing in Jesus's story is not an immediate ticket to
everlasting life. You would have to acknowedge that you are a sinner
and need Him in order to live your life. Not only do you have to
believe in Jesus, but to live as much as Jesus would. I ask you from
the bottom of my heart to look deep down into yours, the only way you
will change your life and become a Christian, is to know that you are a
sinner, decide that you are nothing without Him, repent (asking God to
forgive you), and to ask Jesus to enter into your life.
I don't think Jesus would send me spam mail. Also, if you want Hollywood girls to do something big like you're asking, it will probably require cunnilingus on your part. Small town girls? Meh. Just flash a smile at 'em. Big city girls? Cunnilingus. I'm just sayin', that's all. No bigge.
It's time for my favorite letter. The e-mail is from Don in Phoenix, AR, the subject is "Scorpions", and it may very well qualify for "best ever".
Hey can you git ahold of greg , they have jakecd me for 25 yrs. I want a clip of Claus doing "rock you like a hurricane" with his leg kicking out to the side and compareing it to the "black 5 legged sheep" HEY THEY HAVE JACKED ME FOR 25 YEARSS THANKS TO DOKKEN!! Iv'e been 86 out of more bars. LAW SUIT PENDING !! thats right MICHAL!! Hey lets do some Acetaline bombs off of dynamite rd. Turff paradice has an R.V. park with a Pool and Party room CHEAP , I no ho0w you are!ZUG FUCKING ISLAND on the DETRIOT RIVER is were I was Concieved baby!!
BEST. E-MAIL. EVER! I told you! Did I not tell you? Don't ever doubt me again, reader. That letter included the 1980s band Dokken, an RV park, and a mentioning of where Don was conceived. In the river, that's where Don was conceived. Not near the river. In the river. This letter is perfect. I'm going to end the column right here, because there is no way I can improve upon this letter. Fan-freaking-tastic, Don! Write me again, and this time mention Night Ranger!
Seriously, I don't know where these freaks come from.
