I've lived in La Crosse for three years, and like any sane hippie (oxymoron?), I want to get the hell out of here. It's a conservative area, there's not much of an arts scene, and fratboys abound. However, none of these issues are the big problem.
The lack of women is what really kills me. In three years here, I've dated three girls, and none of those relationships have lasted longer than a month. I mentioned this to a friend the other day, and the bastard cackled and asked me to name one thing I had in common with any of the girls.
I couldn't think of a damn thing. I tried, but the only similarity I could come up with was, "None of us pee in the shower". And that's only a guess, not a proven fact. For all I know, those ex-girlfriends of mine may save up a fountain of internal pee each night, awaiting shower time for The Great Release.™
Every girl I've dated here has been unpolitical, a fan of country music, and at least fairly religious. Does it matter? You bet it does. Opposites may attract, but they also annoy the hell out of each other. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good debate, but not when the other person has nothing to say. Must every woman over the age of 25 be a passive, bloated binge drinker with low self-esteem?
I mean, c'mon, the brutal alcoholism is the only positive trait in that list.
So what am I looking for? What's important to me? Let's satisfy my ridiculous ego by listing my standards, which is to say listing what I would like in a lady, damn it:
Attractive: Yeah, I'm listing attractiveness first. Nobody ever lists attractiveness as a factor, and I'm sick of it. For Christ's sake, looks are the first thing that attracts someone to another person. It's not the most important thing, but it's a factor. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar. If you put a 400-pound person with a sparkling personality in front of these "everyone's wonderful" do-gooders, they'd run away screaming.
Good self-esteem: I can't stress this enough. When I'm at home watching a movie with a girl, she should not look over at me and ask, "Do you really think I'm great?" Of course I think you're great, ya retard. I'm freaking dating you.
Being a formerly insecure person, I can tell you that part of the problem comes from negative thinking, another part of it comes from not taking care of yourself physically (Being inactive and out of shape lowers self-esteem and causes depression), and sometimes the problem is just a side effect of Diabetic low blood-sugar. You should see the whiny bitch Wilford Brimley becomes when he doesn't get his little wafer cookie things in the afternoon.
Disillusioned: This trait is not to be confused with low self-esteem. There's a difference between general anger at society and moping. Anger empowers people to make change. Moping makes people eat ice cream straight from the carton.
Sarcasm is nice: Nothing is more attractive than a girl who can burn me like I've never been burned before. The kind of burn that would have made a kid in grade school in the 1980s rub his chin and go, "Ooooooh! Chunky burrrrrn!"
Appreciation of music: Music is big for me. If a girl walks into my apartment and reacts negatively to my record player - referring to it as "outdated", "weird", or "old junk" - it's a sure sign that she doesn't understand the need for sounds from a variety of decades for different occasions. I shouldn't have to defend myself if I come home from a hard day of work and feel like putting on an old Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, or Louis Prima record. The world needs more girls who understand that some music just sounds better at night in low lighting and soft scratchiness in between songs.
You'll notice that I didn't mention "big boobs", "likes sports", "plays video games", "drinks beer", or "Star Wars fan". While these traits are nice, they're inconsequential. Just give me a non-grotesque indie music girl with a personality. I know such a girl over the age of 25 is nearly impossible to find, unless she has a kid and chain smokes Marlboro Lights, but I don't think it's much to ask.
