Hey! Don't think I don't see you there, you damn kids! If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Don't perturb me while I'm shaving! Perturbitation will not be had! Toleration of perturbitation is preposterous! I swear, on every one of your fat, smelly faces . . .
No, I am not making up words! Go grab yourself a dictionary and check, you little twits! Then take that dictionary and shove it up the hole in your ass! Then sit on the floor and spin until you collapse! I can tell you from experience that the emergency room visit will not be free of rude snickering by the staff!
Shaving time is a special time, children. Each whisker is like a friend. A friend whose throat I'm slitting with a razor, and whose corpse I'm stuffing down a drain. Baby hair, like a real baby, needs tender care to ensure the abortion is enjoyable for everyone. If it's not done right . . .
What the hell did you just say?!? My shirt is not stupid! I bought this shirt from a very popular department store! If you're going to sit here and tell me J.C. Penney isn't a fantastic beacon of fashion, then you're not even worth having a conversation with, goddamn it!
Anyway, do you see the shaving cream I'm using? It's thick and rich, and soothes my face with aloe and other ingredients from the Earth. While lathering, I play music by Kenneth G. - Yes, the famous Kenny G. if you want to be informal - and my entire face becomes stimulated by the mixture of . . .
I'm talking about shaving my face, you little bastards! I swear to God, I'll kick you so hard that your pubic hair will shrivel back into your skin! To take a beautiful speech about shaving lather, one which I spent hours mentally constructing and memorizing, and ruin it with your perverse thoughts is unspeakably rude! It's like peeing with the door open in the White House! You don't think the secret service stands for that, do you? They will shoot you as soon as you start urinating!
Now, as you can tell, I'm very concerned about having a quality shave. I need peace and quiet, and if I don't get it, my face will be prickly, like a second-rate soap opera actor. The old ladies who still cream over that crapfaced Don Johnson may like their men prickly, but ladies who haven't gone through menopause want a man's face to be as smooth as their ass. And if they're truly sexy, you better believe their ass will be glassy and statuesque. If I find that a lady I'm dating has a bumpy bottom, I throw her right out of the backseat of my Trans-Am and drive away! I won't tolerate . . .
What?? Don't you dare change the subject by making fun of my hair! My hair looks just fine! I just haven't taken a shower yet today, you little jerkrags! I'll have you know my mother cuts my hair, and she's worked at Great Clips for nearly a decade. Do you honestly think a Great Clips hairstylist is even capable of doing a bad job? It's not like they just hire bored housewives with no experience! Maybe you'll get that at Cost Cutters or Supercuts, but my mother is talented and brilliant! I won't have you soil her!
Stop snickering! I didn't mean it like that! Get out of here! I'm tired of preaching! Go jackoff into a sock and let me shave! I won't have more interruptions! I shall not allow it!
