Times have changed, my friends. There was a period when the offices of Daily Ramblings had unlocked doors, and secretaries weren't needed to keep out the riffraff, but those days are long gone. These offices, like most places of dedicated liberalism, will soon be attacked by dirty, conspiracy-fed hippies, and we must not let them take over.
They are coming, reader. Maybe not now, but sometime before the next election. Merely a decade ago, hippies were like the rest of us, outraged by the greed of others and excited about helping the less fortunate. But they have swayed, my friends. "Helping" has been dropped in favor of angry complaining that helps no one at all. And like zombies, they are spreading this virus to otherwise rational Democrats.
Hippies aren't bad people, they just suffer from a lack of self-control and common sense. It's not surprising that Howard Dean is their idol. He's the same way. Dean is charismatic and smart at times, and lord knows we've all had moments when we've wanted to jump on a soapbox and scream about how Republicans are all rich white guys who haven't worked a day in their lives. The difference is, rational Democrats calm themselves and realize that perpetuating this stereotype doesn't help anything.
They don't announce it proudly to the entire fucking country and make their entire political party look stupid. "They all behave the same, and they all look the same"? What an asshole. Dean, like his hippie followers, is the complete opposite of what the Democratic Party was founded on.
Every time a Democrat stereotypes a Republican, the average American leans a little more toward Republican candidates. We're supposed to be the do-gooders, people! We're supposed to be the ones who understand that you cannot point at a million people and claim they're all the same. Democrats have always been the ones fighting for civil rights, and now this small percentage of angry hippies are trampling on that very adage.
They believe their bitchy attitudes will change things, ignoring all the proof that proves otherwise. Average Americans, the undecided citizens who decide the winner of each election, respond to rational ideas and solutions, not anger and pretentiousness. In the four years before an election, these average Americans get swayed one way or the other by whichever political party seems to fit them best. They don't go on peaceful civil rights marches, but when they see one, they nod in approval. They don't write angry letters demanding lower taxes, but when taxes are lowered, they smile and approve.
Right now the Republicans are winning the minds of average Americans. Having a two-term Republican president has put Democrats on the defense, and we need to respond with careful and respectful determination.
So I have an idea. Every time a hippie grumbles and says, "No blood for oil", punch them in the adam's apple. Every time a hippie compares George W. Bush to Hitler, kick them in the groin. Every time a hippie calls the Bush Administration "evil", as if we live in some black-and-white comic book world of pure superheroes and villains, pat them on the shoulder and say, "Quit whining and organize something positive to counteract it."
Hatred and bitterness didn't work for liberals during Ronald Reagan's reign, and they won't work now. Intelligent solutions and thoughtful actions are what's needed. Social security? Think up a solution. The healthcare crisis? Think up a plan. Mold your solutions to what the average American wants. That's the whole idea behind a democracy.
Until hippies learn this, the only thing us rational liberals can do is purge them from our system. Don't let them feed. I will not tolerate an infestation. Help those who want to quit bitching, and kick the rest to the curb. I refuse to let the negative, crybaby hippies scare away more of these important average Americans.
