Let's Go See 'Juwanna Mann' Together

Hello reader. What are you doing tonight? Would you like to go see a movie? We could go together. It would be fun.

There’s a movie theatre two blocks from my house. We could go there. We could go see “Juwanna Mann”. It’s one of three movies playing at the theatre. I can assure you that “Juwanna Mann” is the best movie playing there, reader.

“Juwanna Mann” is that fine film starring Miguel A. Nunez Jr. You know, the one where he gets kicked out of the NBA, and the only way he can keep playing basketball is to dress like a woman and play in the WNBA? I’m already rolling on the floor in anticipatory laughter! Here’s a photo from the film:

Do you see that?!? He’s pretending he’s a woman! And he’s in the shower with his basketball jersey on! Hilarious!

I imagine that Nunez’s performance will be a front-runner in this year’s Oscar race. His role as trash-talkin’, ball-hoggin’, teammate-hatin’ Jamal Jefferies is truly something that should be experienced by all. Or so I’ve heard; I have yet to actually see the film.

This is why we have to see it immediately, reader.

It’s an educational movie as well. You see, Nunez’s character learns a lot from his experience as a woman. He learns to be in touch with his feminine side. Not since “Steel Magnolias” have I wanted to see a movie so badly. I’ll bring the Kleenex, in case the emotional parts of the movie become too much for us.

It’s sure to be a touching story. Nunez’s character falls in love with the captain of the women’s basketball team. But she’s f***ing Romeo, a bad boy who uses all of Jefferies’ old tricks. It’s an unbelievable plot. Imagine such a thing. How do they come up with this stuff?!?

Here’s the next piece of the plot, compliments of Yahoo:

“And when rapper Puff Smokey Smoke tries to score with Juwanna, there's more balls in play than Jamal knows how to handle.”

Ha! More balls than he knows how to handle! I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like it might be dirty!

But don’t worry, reader. That’s where the dirtiness ends. This is a PG-13 movie, which means it’s okay for both of us to go see. We can rest assured that this film will not have any hardcore pornography or simulated horse f***ing.

Let’s look at some reviews of the film. Rasmi Simhan of the Dallas Morning News says, “Juwanna Mann . . . is . . . funny.”

I made that quote by taking words from a variety of sentences in the article and sticking them together. It’s called “condensing it” so it’s easier for you, the reader, to understand. Here’s another quote I condensed from Jonathan Foreman of the New York Post:

“Juwanna Mann . . . is . . . not . . . remarkably lacking in inspiration.”

Here’s one more. Robert K. Elder of the Chicago Tribune writes, “Juwanna Mann . . . is . . . no . . . absurd convention . . . and . . . no . . . sheer lack of comedy.”

Yes sir, the critics have spoken, and “Juwanna Mann” is the film to see. Come on over, reader. Meet me at the Marcus King Cinema, 216 South 7th St., in La Crosse, Wis. Meet me there tonight (Tuesday) at 8:50 p.m. If you’re not there when I get there, I’ll just wait for you in the theatre. Don’t ditch me now!