Dear son(s) and/or daughter(s),
Please excuse this crass form letter, but there is no other way to share my feelings with all of you, the children who have spawned from my masculine seed. You see, I've fornicated with many women throughout the midwest, and most times I have celebrated the end of the consummation by running like hell. I believe the younger generations refer to this as a "fuck and run".
Obviously, the downside of this method is it's difficult to tell how many women I impregnated or how many bastard children I forced upon this world. So today I'm writing to say that since you had no idea I'm your father, I'm not offended that you didn't send me a Father's Day card.
No, really! I mean it! I forgive you.
All fathers appreciate the benefits of a holiday in their honor. Married fathers get to relax and watch TV in peace after a short, tedious moment when the wife and kids give them bland greeting cards. As a single man, my reward for being a father is a complete lack of responsibility, both morally and financially. So thanks for that!
As I was driving down the street in my new sports car this morning, headed to the park to hit on buxom 16-year-olds who can bend themselves into positions your mother couldn't even dream of reaching, I gave myself a nice pat on the back for being so understanding about the lack of cards sent by my misbegotten children. Aren't you glad you have a modern dad, one who understands your lazy ways? I know you love me. I don't need greeting cards or a phone call to prove it.
To be honest, even if you were able to get my phone number and call to wish me a happy Father's Day, I probably would have denied our entire kinship. No offense to you, but part of being a modern dad is knowing the legal system, especially the parts about never admitting something that could cost you thousands of dollars in unpaid child support.
I know you're probably angry that I didn't stick around and become part of your family, but non-sexual relationships and legitimate children just aren't really my thing. Besides, have you taken a look at your mother? Most of the times I've had sex, I've been drunk enough to sleep with an elephant, which makes the chances pretty good that your mother is as big as one. My "shoot and scoot" method of lovemaking was for the best. I have trouble taking care of small housepets. How am I supposed to take care of an elephant?
Please don't mention that analogy to your mother. It will only make her bitter and unpleasant when she's working the night shift at her second job.
In conclusion, thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers, kids. I love each of you dearly, and would do anything to see you happy. Now do daddy a favor, and take this letter outside and burn it before mommy gets home. Keeping this letter, instead of destroying it, would be another one of those legal things daddy was talking about.
