John Walton, son of deceased Walmart founder Sam Walton, died in a plane crash yesterday. A billionaire heir and board member of the Walmart corporation, Walton died when his lightweight personal aircraft crashed in a Wyoming state park. Authorities reported that upon Walton's death, 10,000 new Walmart board members were spawned.
"It was horrible," said park ranger Dewey Samson. "They were everywhere, measuring locations for new stores and searching for illegal immigrants for their custodial staff. Wally was wearing a union pin, and they ate his face."
Scientists say the last time such widespread consequences resulted from a death was in 2003, when Robert Palmer's corpse spread a plague of syphilis throughout the city where he was buried. When Strom Thurmond died later that year, 27 high priests of the KKK spawned at his grave site. Most were rounded up and slaughtered, but two escaped and were elected as Mississippi Congressmen.
Police have exhausted themselves searching for all 10,000 spawns of Walton. As is the case with most Walmart-related legal problems, authorities have given up and decided to look the other way. Gerald Schern, Jackson Hole, WY sheriff, said he believes nature has a natural way of keeping the Walmart board member population in check.
"When rural folk discover this major national news item six months from now, our area will be flooded with large, toothless ladyfolk," said Schern. "Like alley cats swarming around a corpse, these big-boned northern bitches will smother the little bastards. Just like them southern girls, they can smell cash made off NASCAR people."
According to the Luap Nayr Research Institute, 314 people were smothered to death by their overweight sexual companions last year. Nearly 275 of those deaths were at WE Fest, an annual country "music" festival held in Minnesota. The close proximity of this hick orgy to Wyoming leads Schern to believe the onslaught will be quick and gruesome.
"I'm gonna leave town that week," said Schern. "And when I come back, I reckon it'll be nasty. Nothin' but dead bodies and puddles of semen the ogre ladies were able to coax out of the corpses."
Schern advises local Wyoming residents to purchase an elongated garden hose to clean the streets around their property.
On a more pleasant note, this evil spawning has delighted scientists by giving them an answer to a question that had long baffled them: "What happens when a Walmart board member dies?" This breakthrough comes only half a year after scientist Theodore Plummer discovered that when you punch a clown in the Adam's apple, he giggles and poops his pants. Scientists believe such discoveries have reached a peak with the Walton incident.
"It's amazing that science has produced this many important discoveries in such a short time," said Dr. Daniel Burg, a researcher at New York University. "Two years ago, when we published our study on how bunnies taste better when they're killed with a hammer, we never thought we'd continue the pace."
Scientists now plan to focus on an equally baffling question: "What happens when you pee on a midget?" The current theory from leading theologists is that midgets get angry when you pee on them.
"We're not really sure," said Burg. "I think they'll get angry if the urine is cooled, but if it's warm and fresh, I believe the midget will melt."
