All the boomboxes from today's column were taken from The Boombox Museum. It's 19 pages worth of them. It also has occasional pictures of dudes with afros holding boomboxes. If God made a website, it would have the same content as The Boombox Museum.
Marantz Superscope. This early boombox sold for $200 or more in 1976 ($686 today). It looks like Darth Vader's boombox, which is ridiculous because Darth Vader can't breakdance. Also, his evil Darth Vader suit probably has its own tape deck.
Panasonic RS-466S. I was born in 1979. Why didn't my parents have one of these? Those unhip bastards. C'mon, mom and dad! Put some cardboard down on the sidewalk and bust a move! Corporate america should create more speakers that look like custom car rims.
Aiwa TPR-850. This piece of crap boombox, complete with speakers that look like my apartment's air conditioning vent, is from 1978. It's uglier than a penis on a woman.
Sharp VZ-2000. I don't know what year this is from, but it's a boombox with a freaking sideways turntable for vinyl records. It also has volume controls on its left and right sides. I want to get one of these so I can see the old folks in La Crosse react when I walk down the street blasting The Fat Boys . . . on vinyl.
Radio Shack Stereomate. This boombox with a detachable Walkman is from 1984. Do you know what else is from 1984? Those Wendy's commercials with the "Where's the Beef?" lady. When I was a kid, I had a "Where's the Beef?" beach towel with that lady on it. God, I was awesome.
Sony WM-W800. It's a double Walkman from 1985! You could carry double the Firehouse cassettes! Or, if you were my parents, double the Huey Lewis & The News. Remember their album, "Fore!" It was their fourth album, which is why it was called "Fore!" Yeah. It wasn't very amusing back then, either. But hey, "Power of Love", eh? Eh? Oh, what do you know about music anyway.
Marantz PMS 6000. Wait! Hold on! Forget about that other turntable boombox. I want this gold one from 1982. The cassette deck is on top (upper-left corner). Unfortunately, the turntable is so small that it only seems able to play those flimsy records that came as prizes in cereal boxes. "Toucan Sam's Workout" record? Not so great to play when you're trying to gain street cred in the ghetto.
SHARP VZ-V20. A store in Japan named Turbo Sonic had this stylish red boombox. It's pretty rad, if I may use such a "Gleaming the Cube" term. That shade of red was patented by the 1980s, and anyone who uses it outside of the decade will get sued. Did you know Netflix doesn't have "Gleaming the Cube"? I want my money back, Netflix.
Panasonic RX-5350. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the greatest ghettoblaster of all-time. This monster from 1983 had enough power to kill an infant. Or not. I don't really know how much power it has, but it looks pretty cool. Look at all the dials and stuff! A baby could choke if one of the dials broke off.
