My parents have a new television that is a marvel of modern simplicity. Here's how to turn it on:
Pick up the black remote control and press the "cable" button. Not the "power" or "TV" buttons, mind you. These buttons are far too obvious. They were only added to the remote to serve as decoys. They do absolutely nothing when pressed. It's very clever.
Next, pick up the white remote control and press the "power" button. The first 40 or 50 times you turn on the TV, you'll probably mix it up and press the wrong buttons on the wrong remotes. Both have the same buttons. Once you discover the secret combination of "cable" and "power" buttons, the TV will make a celebratory noise to let you know it is turning on.
Thirty seconds later, the TV will actually turn on.
Don't misplace the white controller! There's no way to turn the TV on without it. Pressing the "power" button on the front of the TV does nothing. Just like 54% of the remote control buttons, the TV's "power" button is merely a conversation piece. It will look so unused that when friends come over, you can claim you never watch television, even though you'd eagerly watch a show where Star Jones and Michael Moore get naked and do sit-ups if it came on after American Idol.
Think of how shiny and new the TV's power button will be years from now. I'll bet that will be delightful.
After turning the TV on, be sure to keep both remotes nearby. The black remote is the only one that can change channels, and the white remote is the only one that can adjust the volume. Both remotes have channel and volume buttons, but making all the buttons work would be too easy. People want entertainment to be challenging, like a chess game. Specifically, a chess game where the loser gets mad and throws the board across the room.
I'm hoping the next TV my parents buy has 24 different remotes, one for each button. I'm also hoping each of these remotes will be the width, length, and weight of a human forearm, just like the current remotes.
Turning off the TV is easier, yet still baffling. The white remote, while unable to turn on the TV and cable box simultaneously, is somehow able to turn them both off at the same time.This is what allows you the convenience of using both controllers to turn everything on again. When you do turn the TV on again, you'll notice it won't be tuned to the last channel you watched, because turning off the cable box resets the TV to the cable company's information channel. It's very clever.
And helpful! I'd watch Time Warner's information channel for hours if it wasn't boring, worthless, and devoid of any actual information. But just think how awesome your TV will be if they fix those little problems. You'll be ahead of the game. Everyone likes to be ahead of the game.
I'm not sure what my parents did wrong when they set up their TV, but I suspect it involved heavy drinking and/or drug use. There isn't a human being on the planet who could mess up a configuration this much without help from Jack Daniels or Mr. Brick of Cocaine.
It took me nearly half my three-day weekend just to figure out how to use my parents' TV. I contemplated suicide twice during the process. My dedication to providing this column on a regular basis was the only thing that kept me alive. I didn't want my family to have to deal with angry e-mails after the funeral.
Plus, if I died, my family would inherit my TV, and it's far too simple to be enjoyable. To turn it on, you press the "power" button on the palm-sized remote control. The channel and volume buttons actually work. To watch a DVD, you press the "video" button. When I get drunk and accidentally swallow the remote's batteries, the buttons on the front of the TV can actually be used to turn it on and off.
It's ridiculous. I should really think about upgrading to something better.
