Summer means two things: warm weather and a barrage of crappy new soft drinks. Every year, Coke and Pepsi test new flavors, and being the sucker that I am, I try most of them. Unfortunately for me, this summer's batch is the worst in years.
I've spent this entire week buying bad soft drinks instead of my usual ones. If you ever want to ween yourself off caffeine, this is the way to do it. I'm surprised this tactic hasn't been tried with cigarettes. Replace the regular cigs with ones filled with nicotine and feces. You'll be sick of smoking in no time. I should patent that idea.
I don't think using my real name would be a good idea if I patented that idea. I'd probably use the name Aaron J. Brown instead. Feces-flavored cigarettes, invented by Aaron J. Brown! It has a nice ring to it.
Anyway, on with the soft drinks. Some are brand new, while others have been around longer than the summer, but are new nonetheless. They're almost all diet soft drinks because making regular soft drinks is easy. Any loser can dump a bunch of sugar in something and make it taste good. Diet soft drinks take skill. Also, I'm diabetic, so testing out a bunch of sugary drinks would make me seize like the dickens. Like the dickens, I tell you!
Diet Coke with Lime. Wow. This tastes surprisingly like Diet Coke with Lemon. Don't start celebrating, Coke. That wasn't meant as a compliment. It tastes like the rinds of a lime, not the actual lime juice. On a hot day, this doesn't refresh you, it makes you depressed. Ugh.
Diet Coke with Lemon: This has been out for over a year, but I'm posting it anyway just so I can say IT TASTES LIKE LEMON PLEDGE. There, I'm done. Thank you.
Diet Pepsi with Lime. Pepsi must have fantastic spies, because their lime-flavored drinks taste equally as horrible as Coke's. The taste isn't "refreshing", "crisp", or any of the other adjectives used in commercials. Seriously, buy a lime, eat only the skin, and wash it down with a regular Diet Pepsi. The dry heaves will form just as quickly.
Diet Coke with Splenda. Splenda is the latest popular sugar substitute. If this drink is any indication of its quality, Splenda will be off the market by the end of the year. Take a regular Diet Coke, remove 80% of the carbonation, and then add an aftertaste that reminds you of your last cavity filling. That's what Diet Coke sweetened with Splenda tastes like. Congratulations Coke, you've managed to create a soft drink that always seems warm and flat, even when it's ice cold.
Coca-Cola Zero. Remember when Pepsi came out with "Pepsi One"? Yeah, "Coke Zero" is kind of like that. The taste is different from both regular and Diet Coke, but not better or worse. I'm not sure why it's called zero, since Diet Coke already has zero calories, carbs, and sugar (and the same amount of sodium), but it's a nice alternative to Diet Coke.
Coke C2. Half the sugar, carbs, and calories usually means half the taste, but this actually tastes good. Am I hallucinating? Have I drank so many different kinds of crap this week that my taste buds are willing to like anything without lime in it? Coke C2 doesn't taste exactly like the classic flavor, but most people probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Pepsi Edge. Just like Coke C2, Pepsi Edge is good. Half the sugar, carbs, and calories, but decent taste. Why do I even post separate reviews for the two companies? The recipe changes on these new drinks are identical. Does the same new-drink-making guy work for both companies?
7up Plus. Thoughtful as they are, the fine people at 7up have taken their regular formula and added a vomit-inducing potpourri flavor. If you already have regular 7up in your fridge, don't bother buying 7up Plus. Just take the regular stuff and dump a pile of stinky, rose petal potpourri in it. Then vomit and repeat. Your upchuck will smell delightful. Perhaps if this drink is mixed with the Lemon Pledge dreckery of Diet Coke with Lemon, the consumer will fart rainbows and unicorns. It's worth a shot.
Sierra Mist Free. Waaait a second . . . this is the same thing as Diet Sierra Mist. You fuckers.
Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. This tastes good, but only in moderation. Much like Guinness beer, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper gets sickening if you drink more than one a day. The cherry and vanilla flavors are light, so they don't overwhelm you. But I've heard if you drink three bottles in one day, you urinate pure saline.
Coming soon? In the last year, the following drinks have been released outside the United States. Maybe you'll see these in a future version of this column: Pepsi X (energy drink hybrid), Sprite Ice (wintermint flavor added), 7 UP Citrus Splash (grapefruit flavored), Fanta Japanese Melon (shit flavored), Fanta Mango Magenta (who the hell drinks Fanta? And who the hell cares if they made a different color of it?)
