Hello, I'm Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty. Many of you hate me aren't fond of me because my stubbornness, complete lack of planning, and total ignorance of how a government's finances work have turned the state into a big pile of shit a difficult place to be at the moment.
Well, cheer up! Your children aren't dead yet, and for that you should be thankful. We've just passed our budget for the next two years, and though we were nearly two months late, causing shutdowns of basic services throughout the state, this promising budget we've rushed through at the last minute passed has some great things in store.
Here's a partial list of the benefits you and your loved ones can depend on for the next two years:
- I will continue my promise not to raise taxes. Sure, bus fares will double, schools will start charging for kindergarten, and the lack of government incentives and benefits will cause employers to skip your annual pay raise, but your taxes will be low. Yaaay! High-five!
- School funding has been increased, but will still be average at best, so we've incorporated an "energy saver" program that will allow schools to save money. In the program, children take turns shoveling coal into a basement furnace that powers their school.
- State aid money, the share of state taxes your city relies on to improve your area, will be cut yet again, meaning your city will have to learn how to do more with less money. That's a valuable skill to learn.
- Cigarettes will now be taxed 75 cents more per pack (Editor's note: this item is actually true). This coincides with our other new law, which requires smokers to use separate bathrooms, drink from separate drinking fountains, and give up their seats on buses to non-smokers.
- Hermaphrodites must state which bathroom they plan to use before entering the state. No switchies. You pick one and you stick with it, little Miss Man.
- We've increased taxes on alcohol and rental cars (Editor's note: also true). To increase sales of both items, and therefore increase state income, liquor will be sold at car rental offices, and cars will be rented at liquor stores.
- Don't worry. Even though we've screwed over every publicly-funded group in the state, causing large amounts of hardship for poor people, we can still afford to charge you for fund those two brand new stadiums for local sports teams. In fact, we're planning to hold a special session this fall to do just that (Editor's note: also true).
- We've put restrictions on many methamphetamine ingredients like pseudoephedrine (Editor's note: once again, true). Granted, the majority of our store clerks can't even be trusted to card for alcohol, but I'm sure they'll be more than dedicated to carding people for children's hay fever medicine.
- We've passed a law requiring anesthesia for fetuses during abortions. Jesus. With the crap we passed, you'd think we had extra time to finish the budget (Editor's note: another real one).
- Starting Monday, all Minnesota toilets will be pay toilets. Even ones in private homes. Seventy-five cents gets you two minutes. After that, the toilet won't flush. Urinals are 40 cents plus five cents per jiggle. Revenue generated by these taxes will go toward mandatory embroidered hats for aborted fetuses.
