I'm 26 years old, and while I'm not losing my hair yet, it may someday become a concern. That's why I'm willing to take any precaution necessary to keep my hair from falling out. Whatever the "experts" tell me, that's what I do. Hell, even if one of my friends makes up a remedy to mess with me, I'll do it just in case they're accidentally right.
Hats cause baldness, depleting hair of nutrients from sunlight? Sure, why the hell not. I'll stop wearing hats. Shampoo with papaya extract makes hair grow? Bring on the weird hippy shampoo. In fact, bring me some actual papayas so I can manually squeeze the juice into my hair each morning. What's that? Christopher Walken went on Conan and said lightly tugging your hair each day before bed keeps the hair molecules from dying? Sounds great to me. Let's get tugging.
Rogaine helps prevent baldness? No, I'm sorry. I'll believe almost anything any loser tells me, but even I can't buy that shiny of a turd. For Christ's sake, at least the papaya people were nice enough to cook up a crock of bull for me to use as reasoning. Rogaine doesn't even pretend to have a scientific method. I'd rather go bald, forced to sew my backhair onto my forehead when I'm 40, than be made a fool by that stuff.
I recently changed hairstyles, from buzzed hair to thicker messy hair, so I'm noticing my hair a lot more than I used to. This has caused me to think about it more, which has led me to an interesting theory on stopping baldness. What if I talked to my hair?
Now hold on just a minute, reader. Don't look at me like that. I'm a young, smart, successful person leading a very sane life, so don't look at me like I just wet myself at the bus stop while babbling incoherently about conspiracy theories. This thing could work, and I could be on Oprah because of it.
You know how gardeners talk to their plants, and claim scientific studies prove plants grow better when you talk to them in a nurturing way? Why wouldn't these rules apply for hair? Some gardeners also believe plants respond poorly to angry or negative talking. If hair works the same way, does that mean hanging around angry people makes you go bald?
If you're angry and bitter yourself, does that make your hair fall out as well, or is it only if you or someone else directly addresses your hair? Is the word "hair" the trigger for someone's hair to start listening, or can the person name their hair, and train it to respond to its name?
If that's the case, then I choose to call my hair "Elfonso".
What if I created a nationwide service where people would pay to have "specialists" talk to their hair? Hair therapy, much like regular therapy, would treat the psyche of the hair, allowing it to live longer, just like regular psychology does with people. Aside from regular in-person therapy visits, we could have phone services, where you place the receiver on your head for 30 minutes while the therapist talks. I could charge the same rate as psychiatrists, all for just sitting around talking nonsense to people's hair.
I'm a genius. Not only am I going to cure baldness with kindness, but I'm going to become rich enough to date someone way more attractive than myself. It's a win-win situation for everyone. Long live hair therapy!
