Sometimes fear plays a large part in the creation of great ideas. For instance, I'm just getting done with a week of vacation, which has made me fearful of going back to work. I've smelled the sweet unscented odor of freedom, dear reader, and I don't want to go back. This fear has led me to a great new idea: Let's have church on Mondays.
Granted, the last time I set foot in a church was during a long road trip when I needed to use the can, but wouldn't church get a lot more customers regular participants if we could get out of work for it? It's like in school, when they'd hold some lame event during the last period of the day, and everyone hated it but would go anyway, just to get out of class.
Yes, I'm aware that Sunday is God's day of rest, blah blah blah. But didn't Friday used to be a non-meat day for Catholics. That tradition certainly hasn't kept up. Of course, that was partly because it was stupid. Fish are a form of meat, so the whole thing was a lousy loophole-exploiting sham in the first place. But I digress.
If main church services were held Monday, we could also get rid of this ridiculous calendar dispute of whether the week starts on Monday or Sunday. Church is on Monday? Then the week starts on Monday. Peachy freakin' keen.
Having the weekend clear would also be nice for us heathens who don't go to church. I could transfer all my blasphemy to Monday, which is a bad day anyway, leaving my entire weekend clear of the threat of burning forever in the toilous pits of damnation.
Huh? What do you mean "toilous" isn't a word? You toil indefinitely in hell, therefore it is a toilous place. Yeah? Well up yours. It's a funny word that sounds like "toilet", and I'm using it.
Getting back to the church on Monday idea, some people might complain that taking a few hours out of Monday for services might make the day even more difficult, because we would be left with fewer hours to complete our work. To those people, I'd say, "You actually have to turn in work? What the hell kind of job do you have? Quit and get a job at Kmart, or in local government offices. Or at NASA, with those non-shuttle-fixing bastards.
Look, the point is that even though God is probably pretty pissed because you let Jesus get crucified just so you could look at porno and shake off the guilt with some hail mary's, but will moving services to Monday really piss God off more? Nailed to a cross versus moving services a day for convenience? C'mon! It's nothing! God's already as pissed off as he's gonna get. This little move won't hurt a thing.
Church on Mondays, reader. It would be a wonderful thing. Not only would you feel better about going, but evil hellbound bastards like me could actually gain a few hours of video game time for pretending to go. It's a win-win situation, for both the pious and the apathetic. And if you get in trouble for it when your time of death comes (or during the apocalypse, which seems mighty close now that David Schwimmer is doing legitimate theater in London), you can just tell God the whole thing was my idea.
