If there's one thing I hate, it's attending something worthless. And when I say worthless, I mean anything labeled as "community-oriented". I hate community events. Don't get me wrong. I love events in general, and have only a mild intolerance for people, but these "fun for the whole family" community events held every other weekend in the summertime have to go.
Each summer, cities across the nation organize a variety of "community events" on weekends, all of which end up being nothing more than some tents set up for the same local businesses found a few miles away in town. The food is as cheap and crude as possible, and is sold from behind a card table. Once every few hours, a lame "local performer" (i.e. performers so bad that they don't charge) will play. These "events" are ridiculous and insulting, and need to be halted immediately.
Let me tell you something. If I want to go to "Tammy's Beads Store", "The Coin Exchange", "Touristy Gifts for Old People", or the countless other local businesses featured at community events, I'll go to their stores. Don't force them down my throat disguised as an event.
If you're going to have a carnival, then that's great! Count me in! If you're going to have an Oktoberfest or another festival that has some sort of purpose, then that's wonderful! I'll be there! But don't try to slip this generic "live music, food, and games" ruse past me. I know that filthy trick. I've been duped by it many times.
Next week is my city's "Sand on the Riverfront" event. This affair, not surprisingly, is described as "live music, food, games, and more fun than you can shake a sand shovel at." The transparency of this "community event" is readily apparent. I would normally avoid this event like a scientology convention, but there's one catch: the proceeds benefit people with disabilities.
This is the trump card of lame community events. The lame-asses who created the event know it's sucky and worthless, but they also know if the proceeds are given to a worthy cause, people will feel forced to attend anyway. And if anyone tries to criticize the event for being lame, they'll sound like an uncaring ass. But I'm tired of it. I don't care if I sound like an ass. This event is crap, with or without the goodness intended by it, and I don't want to attend.
What's that you say? Don't go? I wish. It's almost guaranteed that when I'm hanging out this weekend, someone will suggest this event. Then we'll wander around aimlessly for a few hours, buy cold hot dogs from a smiley volunteer hasn't washed her hands, and watch some jerk my parents' age play an acoustic guitar and sing a horrible song he wrote about how pretty the river is.
It'll be even worse if I end up going to the event on a date. We'll spend all day there until every last bit of enthusiasm and happiness inside me has dried up. Then, once my soul has died a miserable death, we'll leave and she'll grab my hand, smile, and say, "Wasn't that fun?!?"
Then I'll have no choice but to never call her again, even if she's pretty. Because I can't live with someone who enjoys those damn events, reader. I just can't. I can live with a psychotic, a bitch, or even a masochist, but not with a woman who likes community events. It's just not natural. It's evil and wrong, and I want no part of it.
