As a single man who hates his surroundings and is trying to save money, there's little for me to do around town. Surprisingly, I've become more educated by staying inside. Lucky for you, I'm willing to share the tremendous amount of things I learned while you were out snorting cocaine and having sex with things that are cool.
- Drinking beer while watching Antiques Roadshow by yourself is the new hotness. And so is e-mailing your uncle and pretending to be a prostitute he owes money to. And so is having a drinking contest with your left and right hands, and seeing which hand's bottle of scotch is consumed first.
- Speaking of Antiques Roadshow, some dude brought in an 1800s painting of a wife and daughter. Both the wife and the daughter were named "Cecilia". Why would anyone name their daughter after their wife? Wouldn't that be awkward when you're making love to your wife? "Oh Cecilia!" Creepy, man. And if you were too loud, the daughter might wake up and think you were calling her, and that would definitely turn awkward. Okay, so I didn't really learn anything from the painting, I just kind of wanted to make a sex joke about people in the 1800s.
- If you stay in your apartment from Friday at noon until Monday morning, you'll have more mail in your mailbox than usual the next time you check it. Unless you start counting Friday and Saturday as one mail pickup. But then you'd just be some asshole who's screwing with the rules to mess up my theory. People like that can go burn in hell.
- Did you know it's illegal to pump your own gas in Oregon? The gas stations there are old school and use attendants. My dad told me when I talked to him on the phone. Unlike you, I was home Sunday evening, instead of having orgies with people who might or might not have melanoma.
- They made a sequel to the movie "American Psycho". It went straight to video. Wanna know who starred as the psycho killer? Mila Kunis, the girl who played Jackie on "That 70s Show". William Shatner also got top billing. With a laughable low budget piece of crap like this, you'd think there'd be some female nudity, but nooooo. Lousy, good for nothin' bastards. WHO THE HELL TAUGHT YOU PEOPLE HOW TO MAKE MOVIES?
- If you don't mix up the pitcher of Kool-Aid well enough, that last glass of it is going to be pretty rough.
- During a live performance taped many years ago, Dean Martin sang the following cheeky line: "Nothing could be finer than to wake up with a minor in the moooorning." With all the Michael Jackson hoopla, you couldn't get away with a joke like that today. Though something tells me he wasn't joking when he sang it.
- Last but not least, I learned that women are not attracted to guys who lean out their apartment window and yell, "Hey! I'm writin' this thing for the internet, and I can't go outside all weekend, so I was wondering if you'd come up here so I could hit on you!?" That doesn't work at all. But then again, I live on the eighth floor, so I might have actually been yelling at an old lady or a man with long hair. It's difficult to tell from up here.
