As most of you know from reading my blog, I've recently become unemployed. I'm still planning to move to the West Coast at the end of January, so I'll need to get off my ass pretty soon and get a job.
I'll be moving back to Minneapolis in a few weeks, where I'll either live with my brother or move back in with my parents. The living arrangement I choose depends on how good of a job I can get. Bad pay? Stay with the parents. Good pay? Live with my brother and improve my binge drinking skills.
The kind readers of this website have suggested many job options for me, as have my family and friends, and the following is a list of the options they suggested. I've graded each one.
Construction laborer. My dad runs a construction company, and he says I could work as a laborer on a hotel restoration job. It pays $28/hour, which would make me richer than Bobcat Goldthwait and Gilbert Gottfried combined. The downside, of course, is that I'm a pathetic weakling who weighs less than a box of Ritz crackers. So the work would probably be extremely difficult. However, the great pay makes this job one of my best options, even though it's not what I'm best suited for. Rating: B+
Bookstore snob. Working at a bookstore would be a nice change of pace, and I'd probably enjoy it. Unfortunately, most bookstores start employees at minimum wage, which is $6.15. Even if I were able to get a full-time position, and lived with my parents for free, I still wouldn't be making enough money. I'd only net around $675 a month, and the benefits would probably suck. If I didn't qualify for benefits, continuing the health insurance from my last job would cost me $211 per month. Ouch. Rating: D-
Water Department. Like the construction laborer job, this one would not quite be my forte, but would pay well. There doesn't seem to be any openings available, at least according to the website for St. Paul's department. But if there were any entry-level openings, you can bet I'd be fired almost immediately for urinating into the city's water supply. Rating: C
Minnesota Department of Corrections. Someone who reads my blog recommended this, and I figured it would at least be worth a few stories, so I checked it out. Unfortunately, the only jobs available in the fine world of pound-you-in-the-ass-prison require a degree in corrections and previous weapon training. That's ridiculous. I don't need weapons training. Just show me how to load the thing on the first day, and if need be, I'll close my eyes and shoot. These are convicts we're talking about here. Will anyone really care if I accidentally shoot an escapee in the head instead of wounding them in the leg? Rating: C
Minnesota Council of Non-Profits/Whole Foods. If there's one thing I hate more than helping people in need, it's healthy food. Plus, all these groups seem to be offering is unpaid internships. With as much as I hate both causes, working with them for free would be like letting people kick me in the balls for free. Rating: D
Delivery dude. My friend Adam works as a delivery person for DHL. I'm not sure how much they pay, but at least this job would give me a shot at getting a full work week. I could even sign on with UPS or Fedex, and call Adam day and night to taunt him. Rating: B-
Solid waste engineer. Fuck you. I'm not becoming a garbage man. Rating: F
Railroad monkey. My friend Tony works for the railroad in Chicago. The nice part is trains run everywhere, so I could get transferred to California early next year and have a steady job ready for me when I get out there. The downside is I would probably be required to remove hobos from the incoming boxcars. I've seen the Bum Fights DVD. Those bastards can hold their own. Rating: C+
If anyone has any further suggestions, they can feel free to post them in the comments. Thanks to all who gave suggestions, and thanks in advance for future suggestions.
