Introduction
You are receiving this notice because you've requested to view the Daily Ramblings website. This notice contains important information about your right to view Daily Ramblings, when it may become available to your family, and what you need to protect your right to view and/or she-bop to it.
The right to Daily Ramblings viewage was created by federal law, the Tired Humor That Focuses More On Niches Than On Being Truly Funny Act of 1976. Since then, the United States government has donated a total of $4.13 to Daily Ramblings. It has been used in the jukebox at Lenny's Broiled Cod Diner in Racine, WI.
What is Daily Ramblings continuation coverage?
Daily Ramblings continuation coverage is a continuation of Daily Ramblings viewage when viewage would otherwise end, because of a life event known as a "qualifying event". Such events include the following:
- You become employed at a job that requires actual effort, or
- You get married like a goddamn moron and have to spend every day doing stupid things like picking out curtains, or
- You develop a life beyond the internet
Under the first qualifying event, your spouse or man children (stoned offspring who are legal adults but still live with you) will take over Daily Ramblings viewage for you. Under the second qualifying event, Daily Ramblings viewage will be suspended until the inevitable divorce occurs. Under the third qualifying event, Paul Ryan will hunt you down like an animal for thinking you're better than him. Continuation coverage approved under these qualifying events can last up to 18 months.
What happens if I don't resume normal viewage within 18 months?
We kill you and everyone you love.
Can family members continue viewing Daily Ramblings after continuation has expired?
Why the hell would they want to? It's a terrible website.
When is Daily Ramblings viewage available?
Daily Ramblings viewage is only available from 7-8 am on Tuesdays. Viewage at other times will only produce a "dummy" site with crude, unfunny columns. Jokes will be limited to descriptions of clown penises, with a focus on circumference.
Where can I get more information?
For additional information about your rights and obligations under the Daily Ramblings continuation coverage plan, please review the Plan Summary Plan Description Super Plan/Plan Review for Plans That Require Description. Monkey queef.
What is a monkey queef?
That was a typo. We regret the error. Aquatic penis bag.
Aquatic penis bag? Was that another typo?
No, an aquatic penis bag is a rubber hose attached to an oxygen tank that allows a man's penis to breathe while underwater. When Daily Ramblings continuation coverage expires, you will be required to purchase one for us as compensation for the extended viewage privileges.
Who do I contact to start or stop continuation coverage?
When Daily Ramblings continuation coverage is needed, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to: Uncle Phyllis, P.O. Box 1142, Tongyeong, South Korea. You will be sent a photograph of Wayne Newton. One from his early days, when he recorded "Danke Shoen" and the general public thought he was a woman. You must get Mr. Newton to sign this photo and return it to the same South Korean address. Only then will your Daily Ramblings continuation coverage begin.
When your continuation coverage ends, the aquatic penis bag must be mailed via overnight shipping to: Aunt Cecil Fielder, P.O. Box 1142, Tongyeong, South Korea.
What happens if I fail to complete these tasks?
Then the contents of your father's underpants will be revealed to you.
What?
You'll see him naked in the shower. We will arrange it. We are very good at arranging such things.
Gross.
I know. You better get searching on Ebay, pal.
